A text message to a friend today from Paris…

I’m not really texting you. But i need it to look like I am for reasons of needing to see if the guy next to me is leaving a tip at the restaurant or not.

Weird, right?

Well, the French are fucking confusing.

It says on the credit card receipt that there is “service included.” And yet, when you ask the waiter about leaving a tip, or if it’s included, they say “it’s up to you!” With a dismissive shrug of the shoulders.

They could either be fucking with us, or being restaurant-polite. But either way, I hate to fuck people over.

Oh he paid. He’s not leaving anything? He’s packing up his credit card in his massive wallet? I think he didn’t tip.

Holy shit. Mystery over!!!! Merci fucking boucoup. That shit’s been bugging me the whole time.

The ghosts of Paris past

Bon jour from Paris!

It’s strange how familiar it all seems to me, even though the last time I was here was 15 years ago. But the buildings, the sounds, the street signs, the taste of a cafe au lait… all is just how I remembered it. And it’s bringing up memories of a younger, less anxious but more naive version of me.

Today we’re going to be seeing some landmarks I hit up on my first visit, I wonder if I’ll see the ghost of that Megan — the one who once wrote this — as I walk to the Eiffle tower, or wander the halls of the Louvre.

The last time I was here it was also post-big-breakup. Being a world away from my old life made me feel lonely and long for that companionship again. But it also showed me how much of the world I hadn’t experienced yet, and how much I longed for more freedom. I remember feeling torn between two choices — return to my old life of familiar dysfunction, or embrace a new life full of scary-but-potentially-awesome experiences. I think ultimately, because of that trip to Paris, the loneliness and the siren song of the familiar won out (I got back together with that awful boyfriend upon returning home).

This time, however, I’m enjoying Paris all the more because I’m still able to be connected to my life back at home. Such a vast difference from the last trip where I was ever looking out for internet cafes, desperate for an email from someone — and feeling sick and untethered when there was no contact from home.

Cell phones and wifi have pretty much changed that whole experience. Some part of me wonders if I’m jaded because of that. The old Megan was in awe of every site, and every non-American person, place, and thing. Today, I’m in fucking Paris, and yet I’m constantly checking my phone to see what others are up to back at home?

But I wouldn’t change for the world that Ken was able to keep me calm as I searched for my mother in the airport. I was able to comfort someone I care about as he dealt with a family emergency. And another friend filled me in on his dating life at 4am, when I was wide awake and my mother was not. I even hit that timing sweet spot so I could interact with my co-workers during my evening/their morning. I’m also sharing my sites on Instagram with lovers and strangers alike.

I guess I’m already seeing and feeling the difference in 2000 Megan in Paris and 2015 Megan in Paris. This trip is feeling less like “OMG BIG LIFE CHANGING EXPERIENCE!!!” and more like “Yup, change and new experiences are just part of my life now.” Which feels awesome.

Now I’m must get dressed, and venture out into the brisk morning to hunt down more delicious coffee, and introduce my mom to the Louvre… My goal: To get a better look at the Mona Lisa. Last time I was here I was too short to see anything through the crowd of people gathered around it. This time, I’m not going to let that opportunity pass me by again.

“You Better Work, Bitch”: my up-beat, mood-boosting, feminist playlist

Alright, so I never found a break-up song. Instead, I found “fuck yeah, things are going to be okay” songs. I call it the “You Better Work, Bitch” playlist, and it’s been awesome.

I feel like this walking down the street, only I’m sweaty as fuck and don’t look nearly as fashionable.


When I’m in Maui I go on these four mile walks. So I blast this playlist and feel like a bad ass bitch, like South Kihei Road is my fucking run way, and I’m model-stomping my way past everyone and all my problems. Or, if it’s a particularly awesome tune, I pretend I’m doing that slow motion walk thing in a super hero movie.

This is my collection of songs about women being strong, songs about being happy, songs about being sexy, and some Justin Timberlake, of course. If you need a little bad-ass bitch boost, add these songs to your ipod right now: Read More

Things that I’m doing in Maui with no car

All in all being stuck in my home on Maui is not a bad place to be.


  • Wrestling with a super-gross Jeep car cover, and anticipating, with every movement, that the insects that have created their hives within the folds will attack with a vengeance
  • Playing “wtf happened here?”
  • Writing and editing in the house
  • Getting tired of being cooped up, and putting together the mini version of the carbana and working there instead
  • Making the choice to walk down the street and watch the sun set over the ocean every night
  • Not making the choice, but waking up anyway around 4am and watching the sunrise every morning
  • Singing along to the entirety of Les Miserables in a “fuck yeah, I’m not in an apartment” volume
  • Grocery shopping and wondering how long a person can survive on celery and peanut butter.
  • Picking up dead bungie cords
  • Injuring my foot while diving away from the window so the surprise gardeners don’t see my boobs
  • Texting
  • Checking Instagram
  • Day dreaming
  • Repeat
  • Walking along the edge of the living room rug as if it’s a tightrope
  • No seriously, how long can a person live on celery and peanut butter?
  • Only pouring a little bit of white wine into this glass for right now
  • Binge watching Outlander
  • Looking up how much tickets to Scotland cost
  • Alternating between feeling lonely and feeling happy I’m alone
  • Wait, is my neighbor looking at me? Can they hear me singing?
  • Only pouring a little bit more wine into this glass
  • Pacing back and forth in the backyard calling for my favorite neighborhood cat
  • Picking up other dead bungie cords (this house is practically held up by bungie cords)
  • Taking my epic Maui walks — blasting Beyonce and strutting down the sidewalk like I’m walking a runway
  • Napping
  • Playing “is that my hair tickling my arm or was that a frightening island insect that should never exist outside of a horror movie?”
  • Texting
  • Checking Instagram
  • Day dreaming
  • Repeat

Wish you were here! :)

The worst advice ever

sunset in kihei

My first sunset back on Maui.

I got some advice today that’s the worst kind: the kind where it sucks to hear, but you know is true.

The advice I got today: “You just have to ratchet down your expectations for the next few months.” I laughed the moment I heard those words, because I knew they were true. Gawdamnit, I knew it…

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Join my Salacious B Crumb fan club!

Happy Star Wars Day! Like how this blog oscillates between sad sack shit and nerdery? Here’s some of both


I went back to my best friend Ken’s Star Wars show, Jedi Alliance. Fun backstory on this show: I’ve hit some major emotional speedbumps recently. I texted Ken that I was not-so-much excited to chat about Star Wars when bigger shit was going on in my life.

But you know what… I did fucking did, and it was great. Read More

In which bitch needs a break

thinking of maui

My car got broken into yesterday. I also booked tickets to Maui. These two events have EVERYTHING to do with each other.

I just need a break y’all. Both a break in terms of taking a time out — taking time off from single parenting a couple of wild beasts, taking some time away from home searches, and some time away from chain smoking assholes who like to steal iPods. But also in terms of “bitch needs a break” — I just need SOMEFUCKINGTHING to go right for me right now.

I’ve been finding strength and getting centered in Maui since the early aughts. Because of that, I’ve built up a bunch of Hawaiian Airlines miles over the years. And, since my parents have a home there, it’s actually became the easiest, cheapest, last-minute getaway option.

And you know what… I’m already feeling lighter. I just need some time to myself where I’m not stressed out and worrying over details or worrying about someone else. I need to wake up and hear the doves cooing, and the geckos chiriping, and sharks attacking. I needed to feel at home AND a peace.

So if you need me, come Monday, I’ll back on island. And, with any hope, my good luck will be returning with the trade winds.