I rolled up and stopped at light in front of a liquor store a couple blocks from my apartment. I noticed to my left, a very rotund, clearly homeless dude was pointing towards a small fire of what looked to be those coupon papers that you always get un-wantingly shoved into your mailbox. (What the fuck are those things? How can I stop them? Anyway…)
The guy went from pointing to the small fire to wandering over towards it, as another bundled-up, clearly homeless woman, who was sitting in the alley way to the side of the liquor store, started yelled his name. Although it sounded less like a name and more like two unintelegable syllables. “ahBEE ahBEE stop that. Stop that. ahBEE STOP THAT.” She screamed as the guy started stomping on the small raging fire with his big ‘ol boots.
Looking on from the entrance to the liquor store, were two patrons: one guy with a cell phone in his hand, one lady with a jug of water in hers. I stared at them, wondering when the lady with the water jug was going to — you know — POUR WATER ON THE FIRE. Or perhaps when the man with the cell phone would — you know — CALL SOMEONE.
Neither of these things happened.
“ahBEE” continued to stomp on the fire, as the bundled-up lady proceeded to yank on his arm. At one point, ahBEE’s boot caught on fire, and I went to snatch my phone to call 911. Fuck getting a ticket for cell phone-ing while driving, I was NOT about to watch a man burn up in flames while a woman with a jug full of water did NOTHING. But somehow he not only managed to put out the fire, but his boot un-caught on fire. Dah fuk?
Then it got weirder, and by weirder I mean perfect…
Now picture a 6’7, underweight Donald Glover, wearing a bright white pancho over black skinny jeans, walking the tiniest chihuahua you can imagine. THAT GUY just appeared out of the alley, between the remained of the small paper fire and the two homeless fire-starters/put-er-outers. He simultaniously cussed them out for messing with fire AND started bitching at the two useless patrons for not doing anything.
Then the light turned green.