I got some advice today that’s the worst kind: the kind where it sucks to hear, but you know is true.
The advice I got today: “You just have to ratchet down your expectations for the next few months.” I laughed the moment I heard those words, because I knew they were true. Gawdamnit, I knew it…
Seems my bad luck has followed me to Maui. Let’s just say that in one hour I went from feeling actually content, perhaps even (dare I say it?) happy, to hearing that my income is going to be cut my a THIRD, and having a massive panic attack about my even-more-uncertain future.
This is, of course, the Ole Smoky Tennessee moonshine cherry on the top of the shit sunday that is my world right now. I usually live a pretty fucking hashtag blessed life. I’m generally lucky, and mostly happy. And that’s how I like my Megan.
This Megan is constantly writing about sad feels, and looking for any reason to think “That’s not a shit, that’s dark chocolate!” But every time I have faith, I’m all, “nope, that’s definitely shit. That was a stupid, and possibly dangerous thing to think, Megan.” And it makes me feel like I’m going nuts.
So yeah, it sucks to hear “your life is going to suck right now, just sit in it” and know that it’s true. But that’s kind of where I need to be right now. And it’s almost a relief to let go. I think it’s the same as anything happening to you that you don’t like… You’re going to instinctively struggle against it. Until, upon finding that resistance is futile, you embrace the suck and wait to be changed with it.
I’m going to enjoy the little niceties for what they are, but not see them as signs that everything is better now. This time in my life is hard, and it’s scarily transitional, and that’s okay. I can’t look for the quick escape. I can’t pretend that things are just going to work now… no wait maybe now. Things are indeed going to suck, and for a good long while. I am going to slog through this like everyone else has to. And then eventually, but not now, and not tomorrow, I will find lucky happy Megan again.
Before hanging up he asked, “Feeling any better?” I said, “I actually do. Talking to you helped — you have good advice.” He joked, “If you actually take it, you’d be the first person ever.” Well, I think I’m just going to have to be the first.