funk in deep freeze

Romance in marriage

04 Jun 2010 10 Comments

by meganfinley in love Tags: aaron, marriage

FYI — this blog post teeters on the edge of too personal to post, but I’m putting it out there because I want to remember this and not just forget it in a journal that I’ll never read.

The other day I had a bit of break down. I was feeling really bummed about a lot of little things. At first I was thinking about marriage and Aaron and what it means to be with him for the rest of my life. Not that it’s horrible or anything. I love him and I’m glad that we’re married. But yesterday I had a thought… that I’ll have to be the ONLY ONE to hold this guy’s attention (in all sorts of ways if you get my drift) for the rest of his life. That I have to be all things to one human being forever and for always. It’s not an easy thought to deal with. How crazy a thought. Usually, I feel like people (myself included) worry about things like, “oh man, I hope he doesn’t cheat on me.” But I’ve never thought about something like, “oh man, I hope he doesn’t get bored of me.” And I got depressed over the thought of ‘what if it’s something I fail at?’

And then I was also thinking about the fact that I will never get to experience the thrill and romance of new love and that Aaron (and, in my experience, most guys in general) will never be as sweet and romantic as he was when we first met. Not that this is how I measure romanticism but, for example, he’s bought me flowers a total of three (maybe four?) times and that’s all. Though, yes, I told him that I’m not the biggest fan of flowers, so there’s that. But I told him to instead when he feels like getting me flower to get me plants! So that I can keep them forever and remember his sweet gestures. But the closest I’ve gotten to that was when I asked him to buy me that aloe plant in Ikea the other day. And he totally did, which was great. But it wasn’t something he’d ever even think about on his own, ya know?

Then I talked to my dad and he sounded so so sad. He’s not finding what he wants in his search for a retirement home and I got off the phone with him feeling even MORE sad.

So when Aaron come home from work yesterday I immediately let him know that I was having a depressed day and so he sat and watched movies with me all night. And then at the end of the night, while we were lying in bed, instead of being all lovey-dovey, I ended up crying in his arms. And Aaron was awesome with me. He talked me through all my emo bullshit and then he goofed off with me to make me laugh. And it’s like — Okay, he may not be the most romantic guy, but he REALLY has my back when I need him. And that is pretty damn romantic!

So, you know, interesting how the world works. It kind of made me look like an asshole. But it did show me something. He was so romantic by just being sweet to me last night. It didn’t take a grand gesture and it didn’t take buying me something, and it didn’t take any creativity — it just took the time he could have spent playing video games and ignoring his bummed out wife, and spending it instead talking to me about about my feelings and trying to make me laugh. Amazing.

I realize that even though I will never experience the thrill of a new relationship again, I have the thrill of a growing relationship. And as that relationship grows, so should my ideas of romance. It’s not always flowers and making out and playing Peter Gabriel songs on a boombox in the rain. Sometimes it’s crying followed by making jokes about naming your unborn children terrible things (like “Awesome” “Second Kid,” and “Joan” no matter if it’s a boy or a girl).

Thanks to the universe for giving my sad pants attitude the little kick in the ass that it needed. I am so blessed.

Just look at all that romance! photo by Jana Morgan

My thoughts on marriage so far…

17 Jul 2009 6 Comments

by meganfinley in love Tags: aaron, marriage

There are a few times in your life when you’re going to be asked some of the most annoying questions over and over. The first time this happens is when you graduate from college and get, “So what are you going to do once you graduate?” over and over until you start making things up just to break the monotony. The next time something like that happens is when you get engaged and people keep asking “so how’s the wedding planning going?” I got that so often that I started a blog about my wedding planning process in order to just give people a url so that they could look and see for themselves. (And you know what… that worked pretty damn well!)

Then once you get married you’ll never hear the end of “so how’s married life?” UGH. What are you supposed to say to that? I always answer, “It’s great! I love it!” But I hate saying that because when it’s directed at a terminally single friend or one of my gay neighbors it makes me feel guilty. Like I’m bragging, even thought they’re the one’s that asked!!! It makes me feel like a jackass to say it, but it’s totally and completely true. Married life is great and I do really love it. We’ve been married now for almost a year and I couldn’t be more happy with my husband and our marriage.

Along with the repetition of “how’s married life,” people always say, “The first year of marriage is the hardest.” But that must not always be the case! Because the thing is, nothing has really changed for us. And I don’t think that it really has to change if you don’t want it too. I also think living together before we got married probably had a lot to do with the easy times we’re having in our first year of marriage — all the problems we had adjusting to each other came and went before we were engaged! But the fact is Aaron and I both entered into this marriage knowing and agreeing with what each other wanted and expected from it, which has made all the difference. My friend Ariel wrote a marriage advice post wherein she called her marriage a “custom marriage” and I thought that was a really good description for what we’ve got going as well. Marriage can be what you want it to be and it doesn’t have to conform to popular social mores. It’s our relationship and our rules.

And of course year one of marriage hasn’t always been sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everyday. We’ve had rough patches and fights for no reason and fights for good reason. But those times have been few and far between. For the most part being married has brought us closer than I ever thought possible and it has actually made our lives easier!

So, my thoughts on marriage so far… it’s pretty damn awesome. I would get married again if I had to do it all over again. And I’m lucky enough to have a husband who feels the same way.

Now if only we could figure out what we’re going to do for our one year anniversary…