Tag: gender

Fuck gender roles: Sometimes I forget I’m “a girl” and that should be okay

Just one on the dudes.

In my comfort zone as just one of the dudes.

This last weekend, and a lot of in-depth conversations with my 0-on-the-kinsey-scale very-male-identified-but-not-in-an-obnoxious-bro-way) partner, got me thinking about gender roles, and my longtime struggle with them…

My gender identity is somewhere between male and female, and the pendulum can swing drastically at any point during any given day. As I put it to a friend of mine… Being treated and addressed like “one of the boys” is my happy place. But I’m also really excited to wear a big ‘ol poofy dress and makeup at my wedding. I like wearing both hats. I just want to be equally respected in both hats. And that’s just not a thing… yet.

Because of this I don’t always think about how my actions as someone who presents as female, and forgets to adhere traditional gender roles, can be misconstrued. Which can cause problems…

For example, In my 30+ years on this Earth, I’ve learned that male-identified humans seem to make better friends for me than people who identify as female. We have similar ways of attacking problems, similar ways of showing affection, and similar blind spots when it comes to sensitivity. So when I start friendships, or attempt to become closer to people, I don’t think twice about texting a guy friend late at night. If I’m thinking anything at all it’s “I want to connect with a friend.” But, because of my gender, it could be seen as being “sexually suggestive.” I talk a lot of shit, so when I tease the new guy I see it as me testing their boundaries as I figure out their comfort level. But, because of my vagina-having, others may see that as “flirting.” When I go out of my way to say or do nice things for a buddy, it’s an attempt to make someone feel good about themselves, because I like people to feel happy around me. But I have breasts, so it could also look like I’m “coming on to them.”

This kind of thing has been plaguing me, and women in general, forever.

Growing up I used to rage at gender assumptions made on my behalf. No I don’t want to play with the neighbor’s mean daughter, I want to play with the boy down the street who never makes me feel bad about myself. Why does my brother always get to go to the magical and fascinating hardware store with my dad, and I don’t. Why the fuck is the “girls” aisle in Toys R Us a wall of dizzying purples and pinks? I cursed the day I was born a girl, and wished constantly to be a boy. I pined over gender-neutral names like “Jo” and “Chris.” I dressed “like a boy.” And I even took up hobbies like basketball, which I didn’t even like, just so people could embrace my tomboyishness.

In high school it became worse and incredibly alienating to not see or want to adhere to gender rolls in the normalized fashion. There was the time one of the school counselors called me in for a meeting to tell me that they were “concerned about my behavior” (read: friendship) with boys at school. Mind you, there weren’t that many people who would even talk to an nerd like me, let alone be my friend. So my group of friends consisted of four boys in the grade below mine. They were the nicest, sweetest, most lovable dorks you’d ever meet — they still are. All I remember of that strange and inappropriate conversation is the lady telling me that my behavior with them “could be seen as flitty… flighty… slutty.” And I will never forget the shame I felt in that moment, just for being myself.

I also felt depressed and alienated when I couldn’t go over to my friends’ houses on the weekends, or attend their fun group snowboarding trips just because I was a girl.

If I were straight, cisgender male, all of my “concerning behaviors” would’ve been seen as normal. But since I was female, I was pushed away and slut shamed.

I know that playing around with gender identity is a new concept to most of the population. But gender lines have been fuzzy for as long as humans have been human-ing. Thankfully now terms like cisgender, genderqueer, and non-binary are hastily working their way into the every day lexicon. Hopefully one day we’ll get completely rid of the whole “boys do [this] and girls do [that]” mentality. And just be able to be “humans who do whatever they feel like doing the most.”

Recently, during my bachelor party, I was thinking about gender roles and gender identity — especially when I got looked at funny for calling my thing a “bachelor” party and not a “bachelorette” party. One descriptor felt right for myself, and the other one doesn’t fit at all. It got me thinking that if I had known some of those gender identity terms when I was kid, I may have identified as trans, since I couldn’t remember a time where I didn’t desperately want to be a boy and not a girl. But what I know now is that I don’t wish that I was an actual physical male, I’m glad I am female bodied. I like “being a girl”… but not all the time. So I guess I’d identify as genderqueer. But back when I desperately wanted to “be a boy” instead, what I really desperately wanted was the freedom to do the things I actually liked to do without being held back or shamed.

I saw from an early age, as my anger broiled in the Toys R Us aisle, how confining and unfair gender roles were. And guess what, they still are. But if we stop gendering things that don’t need to be gendered — bathrooms, schools, friendships, parties, topics of conversation — we could save a lot of little kids like me from feeling like they don’t really fit in anywhere. A lot of little genderfluid kids (even while inhabiting adult bodies) would shed a lot less tears.

#Stagpartyof1: I threw myself my own bachelor party alone

Whiskey tasting for one.

Whiskey tasting for one.

My fiancé had his bachelor party this weekend. It’s him and a dozen of his best friends going to Portland for the weekend. I knew I’d have major FOMO since that would be an absolute dream trip for me. But I also knew that my anxiety around forcing friends to spend money, and the fear that people will bail at the last-minute, means that I would never ask for my own big to-do. So my solution (which I thought was brilliant) was to ask my best friend to just babysit me this weekend — just hold my hand and help me work through the vicious FOMO, even if it means just the two of us drinking whiskey and watching Lord of the Rings. But he apparently forgot, and made lots of other plans this weekend. Which left me with an entire weekend wide open, with nothing to do and no one to do it with.

I’ll admit it, old “nerdy kid in high school with no social life” wounds have opened up, and I’m feeling shitty about myself. While Mike has tons of friends who have apparently orchestrated an epic weekend that involves vans being rented, outdoor adventures, surprises, hilarious hijinks, and some mysterious Game of Thrones-themed puzzles… I struggled to get anyone to hang out with me for the next couple of days.

At one point, while I was feeling sorry for myself, I thought FUCK IT, I’ll throw myself my own bachelor party alone. A stag party of one!

Yes, a bachelor party even though I’m a girl. That just feels more in line with my gender identity. Plus I’ve helped plan and execute two bachelor parties, so I knew a bit about what kind of things there were to do of that nature in LA, and I know exactly what I’d want to do for my own. So I kept a constant supply of anti-anxiety meds at my disposal, and planned my #stagpartyof1…

Read More

Merry Snarkmas!

ken and megan

The other night, I went over to my best friend Ken’s “studio” and helped shut down the final Napzok Files podcast of the year.

There was whiskey, auto-snarking, talking about Christmas, my Dream Vortex on Maui, why that guy I married and I have an awesome marriage, gender issues, and generally exploring the super-special relationship I have with my best friend Ken.

If you’ve ever wondered wtf goes on when the two of us hang out, or HOW two very different people can be such stupid-close friends, THIS podcast will show you everything you need to know.

Supporting marriage equality through language on the Offbeat Empire

Altar your thinking, and watch your language.

Altar your thinking, and watch your language.

Maybe I’m overly sensitive, but the fact that I have just been visually assaulted by two gender-normative, wedding-related bullshits in the mere matter of minutes has really pissed me off. One was website selling “wedding blessings” to “celebrate the marriage of a man and woman…” And one was on Pinterest: a book titled “Prayers for your future husband” pinned under “for my daughter.”

And though it’s not surprising that both these things were religious-based — whatever — that’s not even what’s pissing me off. What is getting to me is the assumption that marriages are hetero-normative.

It baffles me that people still assume that it’s always “man and woman,” or “bride and groom,” or that your daughter’s going to marry someone’s son.

A while ago my friend Drew wrote an awesome post on that marriage equality equal sign that swept through Facebook: Don’t Let That Red Equals Signs Become a Hollow Gesture. My favorite part of it, as an editor, was this…

Read More

Could Mars need TWO moms?

I’m currently watching Mars Needs Moms. I like to watch movies during dinner and it was the only thing starting when I sat down, so I thought, I can sit through anything, I’ll try this out.

It’s really bad. The movie is lame. And, clearly, the whole “Mom (read: the woman) is the only real parent” theme really bugs. (Long story short: Martian females aren’t very maternal therefor they kidnap good Earth mothers to steal their maternal essence and download them into “nanny bots.”) Why they don’t kidnap good Earth fathers too? It seems to be playing on the whole dads don’t parent they “babysit” stereotype.

But but-but-BUT, I was truly surprised at one moment in the film. Something that seemed far more open-minded then I would have expected from the movie…

Read More

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén