FYI — this blog post teeters on the edge of too personal to post, but I’m putting it out there because I want to remember this and not just forget it in a journal that I’ll never read.
The other day I had a bit of break down. I was feeling really bummed about a lot of little things. At first I was thinking about marriage and Aaron and what it means to be with him for the rest of my life. Not that it’s horrible or anything. I love him and I’m glad that we’re married. But yesterday I had a thought… that I’ll have to be the ONLY ONE to hold this guy’s attention (in all sorts of ways if you get my drift) for the rest of his life. That I have to be all things to one human being forever and for always. It’s not an easy thought to deal with. How crazy a thought. Usually, I feel like people (myself included) worry about things like, “oh man, I hope he doesn’t cheat on me.” But I’ve never thought about something like, “oh man, I hope he doesn’t get bored of me.” And I got depressed over the thought of ‘what if it’s something I fail at?’
And then I was also thinking about the fact that I will never get to experience the thrill and romance of new love and that Aaron (and, in my experience, most guys in general) will never be as sweet and romantic as he was when we first met. Not that this is how I measure romanticism but, for example, he’s bought me flowers a total of three (maybe four?) times and that’s all. Though, yes, I told him that I’m not the biggest fan of flowers, so there’s that. But I told him to instead when he feels like getting me flower to get me plants! So that I can keep them forever and remember his sweet gestures. But the closest I’ve gotten to that was when I asked him to buy me that aloe plant in Ikea the other day. And he totally did, which was great. But it wasn’t something he’d ever even think about on his own, ya know?
Then I talked to my dad and he sounded so so sad. He’s not finding what he wants in his search for a retirement home and I got off the phone with him feeling even MORE sad.
So when Aaron come home from work yesterday I immediately let him know that I was having a depressed day and so he sat and watched movies with me all night. And then at the end of the night, while we were lying in bed, instead of being all lovey-dovey, I ended up crying in his arms. And Aaron was awesome with me. He talked me through all my emo bullshit and then he goofed off with me to make me laugh. And it’s like — Okay, he may not be the most romantic guy, but he REALLY has my back when I need him. And that is pretty damn romantic!
So, you know, interesting how the world works. It kind of made me look like an asshole. But it did show me something. He was so romantic by just being sweet to me last night. It didn’t take a grand gesture and it didn’t take buying me something, and it didn’t take any creativity — it just took the time he could have spent playing video games and ignoring his bummed out wife, and spending it instead talking to me about about my feelings and trying to make me laugh. Amazing.
I realize that even though I will never experience the thrill of a new relationship again, I have the thrill of a growing relationship. And as that relationship grows, so should my ideas of romance. It’s not always flowers and making out and playing Peter Gabriel songs on a boombox in the rain. Sometimes it’s crying followed by making jokes about naming your unborn children terrible things (like “Awesome” “Second Kid,” and “Joan” no matter if it’s a boy or a girl).
Thanks to the universe for giving my sad pants attitude the little kick in the ass that it needed. I am so blessed.