Things that I’m doing in Maui with no car

All in all being stuck in my home on Maui is not a bad place to be.


  • Wrestling with a super-gross Jeep car cover, and anticipating, with every movement, that the insects that have created their hives within the folds will attack with a vengeance
  • Playing “wtf happened here?”
  • Writing and editing in the house
  • Getting tired of being cooped up, and putting together the mini version of the carbana and working there instead
  • Making the choice to walk down the street and watch the sun set over the ocean every night
  • Not making the choice, but waking up anyway around 4am and watching the sunrise every morning
  • Singing along to the entirety of Les Miserables in a “fuck yeah, I’m not in an apartment” volume
  • Grocery shopping and wondering how long a person can survive on celery and peanut butter.
  • Picking up dead bungie cords
  • Injuring my foot while diving away from the window so the surprise gardeners don’t see my boobs
  • Texting
  • Checking Instagram
  • Day dreaming
  • Repeat
  • Walking along the edge of the living room rug as if it’s a tightrope
  • No seriously, how long can a person live on celery and peanut butter?
  • Only pouring a little bit of white wine into this glass for right now
  • Binge watching Outlander
  • Looking up how much tickets to Scotland cost
  • Alternating between feeling lonely and feeling happy I’m alone
  • Wait, is my neighbor looking at me? Can they hear me singing?
  • Only pouring a little bit more wine into this glass
  • Pacing back and forth in the backyard calling for my favorite neighborhood cat
  • Picking up other dead bungie cords (this house is practically held up by bungie cords)
  • Taking my epic Maui walks — blasting Beyonce and strutting down the sidewalk like I’m walking a runway
  • Napping
  • Playing “is that my hair tickling my armĀ or was that a frightening island insect that should never exist outside of a horror movie?”
  • Texting
  • Checking Instagram
  • Day dreaming
  • Repeat

Wish you were here! :)

The worst advice ever

sunset in kihei

My first sunset back on Maui.

I got some advice today that’s the worst kind: the kind where it sucks to hear, but you know is true.

The advice I got today: “You just have to ratchet down your expectations for the next few months.” I laughed the moment I heard those words, because I knew they were true. Gawdamnit, I knew it…

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Join my Salacious B Crumb fan club!

Happy Star Wars Day! Like how this blog oscillates between sad sack shit and nerdery? Here’s some of both


I went back to my best friend Ken’s Star Wars show, Jedi Alliance. Fun backstory on this show: I’ve hit some major emotional speedbumps recently. I texted Ken that I was not-so-much excited to chat about Star Wars when bigger shit was going on in my life.

But you know what… I did fucking did, and it was great. Read More

In which bitch needs a break

thinking of maui

My car got broken into yesterday. I also booked tickets to Maui. These two events have EVERYTHING to do with each other.

I just need a break y’all. Both a break in terms of taking a time out — taking time off from single parenting a couple of wild beasts, taking some time away from home searches, and some time away from chain smoking assholes who like to steal iPods. But also in terms of “bitch needs a break” — I just need SOMEFUCKINGTHING to go right for me right now.

I’ve been finding strength and getting centered in Maui since the early aughts. Because of that, I’ve built up a bunch of Hawaiian Airlines miles over the years. And, since my parents have a home there, it’s actually became the easiest, cheapest, last-minute getaway option.

And you know what… I’m already feeling lighter. I just need some time to myself where I’m not stressed out and worrying over details or worrying about someone else. I need to wake up and hear the doves cooing, and the geckos chiriping, and sharks attacking. I needed to feel at home AND a peace.

So if you need me, come Monday, I’ll back on island. And, with any hope, my good luck will be returning with the trade winds.

Nei to Iceland, bye to Riverton, and bon jour to Paris

All parka-ed up and no where to freeze.

All parka-ed up and no where to freeze.

So… my trip to Iceland is cancelled. I’d be gutted, if this situation wasn’t so nut-balls-bonkers…

The woman heading up the press tour disappeared for 10 whole days a couple weeks before we were scheduled to leave — with no tickets booked for anyone. Ten days later, she popped by to drop a super-disjointed email, apologizing for being out of reach for “3 days” and cc’ing the airline we were supposedly partnering with. That airline’s response: “[Name], as me and my team have told you repeatedly neither me nor [airline] are your partner and we are certainly not part of this production.”

Her response: To change the subject of the group email to “HATE STUPID BUSINESS MEN,” start slinging shit at the airline, and telling us to “Forget them, all dear guests. NIGHTMARE from A to Z !!!”

Yeah… at that point (four days before we were supposed to fly out!) I got all “Bye, Felicia!” I don’t care if you miraculously pull plane tickets out of your ass, I’m not putting myself in your completely irresponsible hands for international travel. I imagine myself showing up to Iceland without a place to stay — drifting on an iceberg like that sad polar bear, with only my newly purchased down jacket and stylish waterproof boots to keep me warm. (Oh yes, I purchased stuff. Idiot me.)

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This is a long, boring recap of a superiorly stressful day

Yes, I had a fucking DAY. It was intense. I think I handled it well. And it ultimately ended with “chi chi” cocktails with Ken at a tiki bar. So, all’s well that ends with chi chis. But here’s what happened…

me in front of riverton

Me in front of my future home?


I fell in love with another house. But it needs a LOT of work — leak in the kitchen so bad the walls are pealing away, a leak in the bathroom turning the wall brown, and everything needs to be re-grouted, an add-on that needs to be completely torn down, a backyard that completely overgrown, termites, rot, etc. So my friend Jessica asked her contractor to meet me at the second open house. Bright and early, I met my hottie realtor and Alex the contractor at the open house. Alex came back with good news — he thinks the immediate repairs will be under the budget I gave him. So I decided to move ahead and make an offer.

On the way home, I stopped off at the AT&T store… Read More

Send a raven for these Game of Thrones sneakers!

Happy Game of Thrones Sunday! Let’s take a moment to appreciate these shoes…


They’re called “Send a Raven” by TeeFury, and they’re freaking Game of Thrones shoes.

Just look at the level of detail of this raven illustrated with massive amounts of Thornes references…
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