A moment of honesty about my battle with suicidal thoughts

The news of Anthony Bourdain’s death really got to both me and Mike this morning. We spent some time, upon waking up to the news, lying in bed, feeling our feels, and processing it. That dude has a life that I would kill for — getting paid to travel the world and eat all the food! How could someone with a perfect life want to kill themselves? And then I realized that one could say the same about me…

The thought “I want to die” sometimes floats into my brain without me summoning it in any way. Just yesterday I sighed and thought “I just want to die” while I was walking from my bed to the bathroom.

Do I really want to die?

No. No I do not. Not in any way. I love my life. It’s fucking awesome. Dying is the last thing I want. …But sometimes it’s what my brain wants.

I’ve been plagued by these thoughts since high school — the first time I battled with depression. I almost lost that first battle. I tried to kill myself from overdosing on sleeping pills. Thankfully I survived. Although I wasn’t thankful right away. I hated being alive just about every fucking day until I got to college. My tiny dark world opened up so wide that I saw that it does get better.

But over the years the dark thoughts, though distant, still remained. At times of unease or sadness or hardship, the dark thoughts are louder and stronger — It’s basically the default setting for “sad.” And I realized, a few years ago (when I fell into a depression again for the first time in 10 years) that it will never leave me. It’s something that I’ll have to deal with my whole life — no matter how amazing and hashtag blessed I truly feel.

In the past couple weeks the dark thoughts have been louder than ever. Over Memorial Day weekend I had a miscarriage. The physical pain was awful, but the mental pain was even worse. In one day I went from thinking “my life is the best, I’ve never been happier” to thinking “I want to die” several times a day for two weeks straight.

Sometimes I look like this when I’m really thinking that. (I want to die print by Leigh Lahav)

Fighting depression

All this to say… if you also have these thoughts, there’s no fucking shame in that. But please talk to a mental health professional about it. After several years of therapy I’m finally in a place where I have the tools I need to get through my bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts.

Thanks to a lot of hard work, I can now feel the feelings without getting consumed by them, or pushing them away only for them to come back bigger and stronger at the moments when I’m weakest. I can say to myself, “Okay, I’m depressed right now. I have to be really gentle with myself.” I know to sit down with my journal and write and write and write the darkness out. And I know to talk openly and honestly to my people without shame. Because there’s something so healing in telling someone you’re broken and have them say, “that’s okay. I still love you and think you’re great.”

And time after time I’ve learned that it eventually goes away. The darkness fades to light, I break through the surface, and I feel like myself again. Whether it takes seven years or two and a half weeks, I always get better.



Previous

A peak into the bedroom that our travels helped design

Next

More snuggles, less struggles: How an old dog taught us something new

13 Comments

  1. Lydia

    I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Sending you all the love ❤

  2. Big love to you. This recent wave of successful celebrity suicides makes it clearer than ever to me that happiness and contentment has ZERO to do with accomplishment and everything to do with mood regulation, mindfulness, self-care, and a sense of place and belonging.

    You belong here, with me, in this world. I love you. ♥️

    • Megan Finley Horowitz

      I have always known I belong here with you. 😉

  3. Sending you love and hugs. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. Thank you for writing so openly and honestly – I wish more would share their stories and start to remove the stigma that exist and that it’s ok to ask for help.

    • Megan Finley Horowitz

      I feel like we’re getting there. I’ll continue to write posts about it. And hopefully people will continue to comment about how they get it. Just like this exchange! It’s so awesome.

  4. rodittis

    Ah Meggy — all the Internet hugs to you this day.
    Many years ago I would probably have offered all the wrong kinds of advice: reminded you of all the great things in your life and how fortunate you are. Now, I know that just doesn’t matter when one is in the grip of the Dark Side.
    I’m very grateful you have the courage to talk about this honestly, not only because it helps all of us in the collective sense but it helps all of us in the individual sense : all of us who know you personally can feel some hope you won’t succumb.
    I still love you and I think you’re great.

    • Megan Finley Horowitz

      Thanks K-Ro. You’re the best. 🙂

  5. Sherry

    Megan, I love you, and I have for many, many years. I went from like to love when you reached out to me —- your parents’ friend whom you hardly knew — to help me navigate depression in my family.

    Through hard work and your incredible resilience, you have figured out the difference between brain and mind. The mind is a thing of endless beauty and possibility; the brain is a bunch of synapses and hormones and chemicals with no perspective whatsoever.. and quite the drama queen, right?

    You’ve learned how to override your brain but sadly, many do not. We revere celebrity but what if the cosmic joke was on Kate Spade who was too busy sketching handbags and Anthony Bourdain who was too busy taping his next segment to DO THE WORK that you have done?

    I don’t have the answers but I do know one thing: When you and Mike heal from the miscarriage, I pray that you go on to become parents some day because your caring, your insight, your ability to reach out for help without judging and the basic joy you bring to life will make you the most incredible parents I can imagine.

    When your brain tells you you want to die, let me be the soundtrack of your mind. Let me tell you how many of us would have trouble going on living if we ever lost you. ❤️

    • Megan Finley Horowitz

      Jesus. I can’t even process how amazing this response was. Thanks Sherita. Love you so much!

  6. Sarah

    I really appreciate the candor of this post. I have the “kill yourself” voice in my head too, and I think folks perceive the fight against depression as exactly that, a fight, rather than a slow, gentle, often boring, persistent process.

    I’m so sorry to read of your miscarriage. I hope you’re healing. <3

    • Megan Finley Horowitz

      “a slow, gentle, often boring, persistent process” Yes! THAT! Thank you for summing that part up better than I did.

      And yes, I’m healing. I’m SO SO SO Much better than I was just 3 days ago. Phew.

  7. Lisa

    Thank you for trusting this little corner of the internet, and for the courage to break down those walls of silence around miscarriage and mental health. Sending so much love to you and Mike.

Comments are closed.

Powered by WordPress & Theme by Anders Norén

%d bloggers like this: