It’s fitting that today is Father’s Day, as I find myself a sniveling, crying, shaking, scared mess, literally crying out “I just want my dad!” This car situation isn’t getting better, in fact I’m even more freaked out. SO freaked out that today, on the day my friend who used to be a car salesman was going to be take me car shopping, I woke up totally fucking sick. Stressed-induced sickness — it’s a thing.
This whole car bullshit couldn’t come at a worse time. I just shelled out a sizable chuck of my savings to pay for a new laptop, and I’m still feeling the pinch from that. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to take a vacation this summer until I found a good price on Maui airfare. So I bit the bullet and splurged a little, which I now regret. And I just had to take a significant reduce in pay, but not necessarily workload. And now my car has decided to crap out on me, forcing me to decide — during this already stressful and confusing time — to invest in a car that I’ve outgrown, or decide to get a new one ASAP.
On top of this, I’m struggling with a lot of guilt. Working for the Empire we constantly have to think about “checking our privilege.” (So much so that it’s become a running gag — I laugh to keep from crying.) So during one of my panic attacks last night, I cried to Aaron that I know I’m being an asshole. Talk about “check your privilege”… I’m totally upset that I have to decide between spending money I do have to keep a car that I still like, or spend money that I can somewhat afford on a newer car. Boo fucking hoo, right?
To which Aaron replied that I shouldn’t be so hard of myself. This clearly IS hard for me. I’ve never bought my own car before. I’ve never spent this kind of money before. And I’m also dealing with a lot of other financial issues at the same time. I have to remember that sometimes, even though — yes, there are totally worse things a person could have to deal with — I need to be kinder to myself. Me feeling shitty and then telling myself that I should feel shitty for even feeling shitty, isn’t going to help my anxiety. Which is totally something my therapist was helping me work through.
Of course, I just canceled my therapist to make up for the loss of income, so I’m a fucking mess.
Anyway… let’s write about other things…
Update on the car
Like I said, I had to cancel my trip to dealerships today. But as you can see, at this point, I’m thinking that I’m going to try and trade in my car for a newer vehicle. After reading an article called “is it worth it to replace my transmission” I had a change of heart. The article says that, you may want to re-think replacing your transmission if the car you have has outgrown it’s usefulness. So it made me think of all these reasons to get a newer one:
<li>While I still love my car, I think I've outgrown it. It was great when I was a single girl in my 20s. In my 30s, with two dogs, and a 6'3 husband, it just can't fit my whole family comfortably. </li> <li>Now that my parents moved away, I do constant runs to LAX to pick them up for visits and my car barely fits three people and two sets of luggage.</li> <li>Aaron and I have been wanting a good road trip car that we can BOTH drive back and forth to Texas that we can also camp out of in the summer.</li></ul>
That sounds like a few good reasons to shell out for a new car, yes? But I have some hesitations:
<li>I would not be able to afford all those upgrades on a new car. Does that mean in eight years I will regret getting rid of bells and whistles for baseline, when it feels like outdated?</li> <li>Money! I am not in debt, but I will be the moment I purchase a new car. And things are already tight since I got my pay reduced. I don't want to have buyers remorse.</li> <li>And though it was always probably a silly pipe dream, the piddly savings I have been working hard to gain had always been my "downpayment fund" in my mind. Once I spend it, I feel as if I should just kiss the idea of a home goodbye.</li> <li>I am just not comfortable in a negotiation situation. I will totally get fucked over for sure.</li></ul>
Hence, I super wish my dad was able to get down here to help me!!!
Speaking of my dad
I got him a FitBit for his birthday. One of his hobbies is fitness so I figured he’d LOVE it. And he totally does! I got one for myself (this was before my financial meltdown), because I thought it would be a fun way for us to encourage each other to be more active, and even compete with each other. (Privilege alert: I also had to get rid of my trainer after the pay decrease, and knowing my lazy-ass self, I’d need something else to motivate me.)
But get this: my dad, who’s totally a retired guy now, is KICKING MY ASS! In less than a week he not only shot past me, but he shot past my boss Ariel who has been leading the pack like mad since I got this thing. Which actually makes me really proud.
For example, on our “7 day step total” I am at 33,534 and my dad is at 66,364. That’s crazy, huh? I can’t even compete with that. But I’m gonna have to try. Especially since this financial anxiety is leading to feelings of depression. I’ve barely got off the couch this week and I need to find other ways to motivate myself besides throwing money at the problem.