So it’s official: Christmas is cancelled. Due to work reasons, Aaron and I aren’t able to make it to Texas to spend Christmas with our families. We’re bummed as all hell, my parents are broken hearted, and my sister has basically threatened to kick my ass… if she ever gets to see me again.
Let me tell you about the first (and LAST) time we had Christmas on our own…
I was a miserable wreck. I had NEVER BEFORE spent a Christmas morning away from my parents. What even is Christmas if it’s not a roaring fireplace, Bing Crosby and Frank crooning about Christmas ALL throughout the house, decorations that would make Martha Stewart feel bad about herself, and mimosas and yummy warm treats and to nibble on while we sit in a big circle and exchange gifts? What is Christmas if it’s not that? The answer I found on that infamous family-less year: It wasn’t.
It wasn’t even Christmas Lite, it was just a bad day: That was time in our lives where our marriage was suffering and we didn’t know how to communicate with each other. So when we exchanged gifts, they were more like passive aggressive jabs. We also spent the day with a person who was depressed, often suicidal, and who triggered almost of all of my anxiety issues. I woke up early, as I always do on Christmas morning, while Aaron slept WAY in, as he always does on his days off. I cried and cried, feeling lonelier than ever.
This year though, I’m hopeful, will be different. Our marriage and communications powers are Over 9000! And we are in talks about implementing our own traditions. For example: In rough and sad times past, we have been known to build massive blanket forts and cuddle up inside — shutting out the world and remembering that we have each other. So we’re thinking for “lonely Christmas” we’ll start making blanket forts a tradition. I made pancakes that one year to distract myself from The Sads of being awake and by myself in the morning, so maybe I’ll do that again (but with less essence of tears in the batter).
I also just scheduled a last-minute trip to see my mom on her December 1st birthday. Where-in I told her to wait for me to put up the tree and decorations. If I can’t spend Christmas with her, I can at least have a hand in making Christmas with her.
Hopefully these pancakes, blanket forts, and absence of negative peeps on this Lonely Christmas will keep me from feeling like this: