If you’ve been paying attention… or attended an event with me… or attempted to make a movie date with me, you know that I have intense anxiety. A large portion of my anxiety revolves around timeliness.
I am the most on time mother fucker you know. I’m the definition of “If you’re early, you’re on time, and if you’re on time, you’re late.”
Growing up with rich, socialite-y parents is confusing when you grow up to become a middle class weirdo…
When I was a child, I have TONS of memories of seeing my father in a tuxedo — seriously the man OWNED a tux, like “yes, I will be requiring this outfit for more than one occasion” — and my mother in an evening gown. Hell, my mother had an “evening gown section” of her walk-in closet-that-was-really-a-room. The heavy drapes of velvet and sequined fabric (it was the ’80s) became one of my favorite hide-and-seek spots.
I’m sure I’m mis-remembering, but it seemed like every month, my parents had a black tie event to attend. I’d watch them get ready — dad setting out his tux and shoes in his closet, then fussing with his cufflinks at the dresser, and mom glamorously accessorizing her stunning dress, then sitting down at her vanity to expertly apply makeup.
Hell, I even attended my fair share of black tie events as a child — wearing itchy, poofy dresses with gloves or giant bows, and those horribly-stiff, shiny-black, patent leather Mary Janes.
I had built up such a collection of fucking GOWNS, by the time I was in college, that I had more dresses to wear to balls and galas then to a your run-of-the-mill formal-ish parties. As I started getting rid of all my gowns — realizing that they were just taking up precious closet space — I thought, “WTF, mom and dad. Black tie was clearly NOT going be a major part of my social life like I thought it would be.”
I think I’ve attended ONE black tie event as a grown up — I was my mom’s date to the wedding of a childhood friend, held at The Los Angeles Country Club (yet another thing that, as a child, I thought would be more a part of my adult life). I ended up wearing the dress I wore to my cousins’ black tie wedding, held when I was in high school. (THAT dress, I kept, because it could make a good Black Swan costume one day.)
Recently, my mom and my friend Drew got into some weird designer gown discussion on Instagram… Continue reading →
I’ve been straight up ITCHY with, what I think is, heat rash. It started a week ago. Just around my hips and inner thighs, and then it spread down my legs, up to my stomach, and down my arms.
I’m NON-STOP ITCHING.
I’ve been getting some slight relief from my Pure Fiji Dilo Rescue Body Spray — seriously it’s doing better things than Cortisone. But still… I even couldn’t sleep one night because of the torturous itching.
And you KNOW scratching it feels SOOOO GOOOOOOD. I can’t stop. But the moment I stop scratching… oh man…
I’m going insane.
And because of this itch, I can’t go outside because it’s disgusting hot in LA, I’m bailing on my weekly hikes with my friends, and I can’t wear fun clothes. I’ve been stuck inside (during the day) for a week with the AC blasting, wearing this cotton Costco dress 24/7.
If it was heat rash, wouldn’t it go away once I stopped being hot? I know it’s NOT an allergic reaction to food, soap, detergent, animals… because everything has stayed the same.
So WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS and WHEN WILL IT END?
But mostly, does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to stop The Big Itch.
My 33rd birthday is tomorrow. I don’t have any “big plans.” Last year, post-disappointing-turn-out-birthday-party, I decided that I was not going to attempt any big birthday party plans again until I turn 42 (the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life).
But I have been having mini celebrations with friends throughout the weekend. This will be a boring round-up of activities that will probably only be interesting to me. But it’s mah burfday so indulge me… Continue reading →
I’ve been dying to cut my hair for a while. But I kept it long for costume purposes, and then for Maui purposes (it’s easier to put up when it’s long). But I finally had no reason to keep my hair long. And with the temperatures in LA hitting the high 80s and 90s, I couldn’t wait to chop this shit off.
It’s fitting that today is Father’s Day, as I find myself a sniveling, crying, shaking, scared mess, literally crying out “I just want my dad!” This car situation isn’t getting better, in fact I’m even more freaked out. SO freaked out that today, on the day my friend who used to be a car salesman was going to be take me car shopping, I woke up totally fucking sick. Stressed-induced sickness — it’s a thing.
This whole car bullshit couldn’t come at a worse time. I just shelled out a sizable chuck of my savings to pay for a new laptop, and I’m still feeling the pinch from that. I thought I wasn’t going to be able to take a vacation this summer until I found a good price on Maui airfare. So I bit the bullet and splurged a little, which I now regret. And I just had to take a significant reduce in pay, but not necessarily workload. And now my car has decided to crap out on me, forcing me to decide — during this already stressful and confusing time — to invest in a car that I’ve outgrown, or decide to get a new one ASAP.
On top of this, I’m struggling with a lot of guilt. Working for the Empire we constantly have to think about “checking our privilege.” (So much so that it’s become a running gag — I laugh to keep from crying.) So during one of my panic attacks last night, I cried to Aaron that I know I’m being an asshole. Talk about “check your privilege”… I’m totally upset that I have to decide between spending money I do have to keep a car that I still like, or spend money that I can somewhat afford on a newer car. Boo fucking hoo, right?
To which Aaron replied that I shouldn’t be so hard of myself. This clearly IS hard for me. I’ve never bought my own car before. I’ve never spent this kind of money before. And I’m also dealing with a lot of other financial issues at the same time. I have to remember that sometimes, even though — yes, there are totally worse things a person could have to deal with — I need to be kinder to myself. Me feeling shitty and then telling myself that I should feel shitty for even feeling shitty, isn’t going to help my anxiety. Which is totally something my therapist was helping me work through.
Of course, I just canceled my therapist to make up for the loss of income, so I’m a fucking mess.
For my birthday last year, Aaron proposed to get me a plot at a community garden, siting my love of plants. At first my reaction was “Aw, what a thoughtful idea.” And then my reaction was that of dread. After sitting with the idea for about a month, putting off his suggestions of going and checking out garden plots every weekend, I realized, there’s something wrong here. I don’t want this. Why not?
Then I realized… it’s because I dread the idea of having another thing to take care of. I already have a husband and therefor a marriage to maintain, two dogs and a cat, two websites and a career, a two-bedroom apartment, two cars, several houseplants, and myself. I just didn’t want more living things that need my attention and care on my plate. I look at my weekly schedule, and there’s ONE day in the week where I don’t have an appointment of some kind for either my mental or physical health, my relationship, or my job.
At first I felt bad for rejecting what would have been a sweet birthday gift that would possibly give my husband and I a project to work on together. Aaron has since went on to get a garden plot for himself and he seems to be enjoying it. But I admit it, I’m glad I don’t have to scurry off to damn near Downtown LA with him after work, or instead of breakfast with friends, to tend to it.
I tell myself that, when I finally get that home I’ve been craving, I’ll create some space in the yard for a garden then. That way, even though it will be another THING to take care of, I at least won’t have to sit in traffic in order to do so. I’ll lump that into the “houseplants” category of “bitches that need my TLC.” And I’ll be happy that it’s my own garden in my own private space where I can garden bra-less and in my jammies if I want.
This post was inspired by watching my sister and brother-in-law chase and wrangle their daughter from sun-up to sun-down. Just watching them is making me all kind of stressed out and anxious. I sit back and think, “Thank GAWD that isn’t me.” And then I realize that, yes a garden is not like a human child, but it helps me to realize that I ultimately made the right choice in having one less thing to take care of. I think I made the right choice, and I no longer feel bad for rejecting the thoughtful gift from my husband.
Besides, then he bought me fossils for Christmas and they make me ridiculously happy — no care necessary.
Since my days of private journaling I’ve had the habit of writing less when the most was going on in my life. I don’t know why that is. You’d think I’d be thrilled to write about all the things that are happening, as I finally had interesting shit to say. My theory is that, much like when Mark Twain was in Maui and expressed that he found it all just too beautiful to waste time writing about it, I just want to spend my time enjoying the moments as they are instead of worrying about how to recount the event.
That all being said… THINGS. ARE. HAPPENING! in my life. In a short amount of time I was:
Interviewed for The Today Show about Lisa and Alex (2people1life). [Watch it here]
Flying to Las Vegas for an Offbeat Bride-related business trip. [Read about it here]
Talking about making a web series with some friends
Having 2people1life come back to stay with us, and have adventures
and getting (totally unnecessarily) apologized to by Graham Linehan. [Twitter exchange here, read the article it pertains to here]
Phew, that’s feels good to finally get off my to-do list. Originally ALL those things were going to be individual blog posts. But seeing as how, as I write this, I’m also having an IM conversation with Ariel about how there’s too much on my plate at the moment. It’s no surprise that my personal blog (and achievements) are getting swept aside. Things have definitely calmed down now… just in time for holiday madness to start!
If you’re interested in hearing me sound like a sick, squishy, phlegm-bot on National radio, here are some of the ways you can do exactly that!
Apparently, I have the very last word on tomorrow’s Definitely Not the Opera’s “smiling” segment. I’ll be on just a little past 3:20 for anyone listening live, for those of you listening after-the-fact, it’ll be in the last 8 minutes or so.
If you’re in Canada you can catch my story tomorrow on CBC Radio One across Canada.
If you’re in the U.S. and wants to listen live, there is live streaming of CBC Radio here.
The easier way to hear it outside Canada, though, is via their podcast. That’ll be available, as of Saturday, June 16th, here.
Or you can get it in a chaptered version (so you can skip item-to-item) from iTunes here.
I’m in such a strange place right now. I had a feeling that my 30th year would be significant in some way. But I never thought that it would be this wonderful and this painful at the same time. I never thought that ANYTHING could. It’s almost like I’m living two different realities at the same time.
In one life, everything is going better than I could have ever imagined, (because I’m too much of a realist sometimes). I’m living the dream of working at a job I love. I have a committed life partner, and we live in a building with some of my best friends. I’m exercising more and my body is feeling better for it, plus my trainer has become a good friend. I go on hikes at least once a week with some of my other closest friends. I feel like I’m taking more advantage of the city I live in, and that’s making me hate it less. And I’m making more money than I’m spending, so that means I’ve started saving up for my future. I couldn’t ask for anything else!
In my other life, my relationship with my husband is falling apart. We still love each other, but we’re no longer happy with each other. And this hurts beyond words. I believe my the success from my other life has a lot to do with it, along with other circumstances. I know that he’s not happy with me for many other reasons, and vice versa. But the point is, I’m beyond depressed about the seeming dissolution of the one thing that I thought to be solid, dependable, and constant.
So inside, I’m a depressed mess — the tears never seem to stop, the bad feelings never seem to fade, nothing seems to help, and it feels like there’s no one I can talk to about it. But on the outside, I’m happiest I’ve EVER been.
I didn’t even know a state like this could be possible.