Category: life Page 1 of 5

I’m pregnant and I’m not-so-much excited as terrified

I’M PREGNANT.

Like, really pregnant. Like due in the next few weeks. And I’m JUST getting my head around how to write about this huge life shift.

To answer your first question: Yes, it was a planned pregnancy. (Cue heads exploding.) We just knew that a kid was in our future, and it needed to happen sooner rather than later due to our respective ages and depleting energy levels.

To answer your next question:

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BRB, we’re dashing and dining

Hey y’all. Wow, this site has been quiet lately. I have some posts just chilling in the “Drafts” section over here, but haven’t had time to finish most of them becauuuuuuuse… we’ve been traveling so much!

Have you been following The Dash and Dine? If you haven’t, then you’ve pretty much been missing out on most of my Fun Life Stuff:

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Thoughts I’ve had lately as a privileged WASP with a new Jewish last name

It’s a strange time to have just become a Horowitz. In fact, it didn’t take very long, nor did we have to go very far for me to realize that, by taking a Jewish last name, I had stepped outside of my privileged WASPy box…

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New chapter, new author: On changing your name after divorce and re-marriage

Worse than the people who didn’t ask, and just assumed that I had changed my name when I got married (that’s a choice, not an imperative)… worse than the people who addressed things to “Mr and Mrs His Name” (as if I didn’t have my own name anymore)… are the people who assumed that I would go back to my maiden name.

Changing something as big and as personal as my own name was something I decided to do for me

Not for my partner. Not in the name of tradition. Not for the patriarchy. It was a decision made with much thought and personal pride. And it hurt to find out that so many people did not… what’s the right word… believe(?) that Megan Finley is my “real” name. It was like they were telling me that they never felt my name change was a well-thought-out choice. As if my name — MY OWN FUCKING NAME — was just on loan to me via that guy I married.

I never FOR ONE MOMENT considered going back to my maiden name. Because if I had, for any reason, actually wanted to use my maiden name, I would have never changed it in the first place.

I’ve written about the fact that my birth name, Megan Tharpe, never felt like me. I’d even go so far as to say that feeling mis-named gave me some kind of insight, in the tiniest ittiest-bittiest, most privileged of ways, into how a transgender kid must feel — knowing that you were assigned to this identity at birth, and yet, never really feeling like it fit who you are.

“Megan Finley,” however, fit this bitch like a pair of Black Milk dragon scale leggings. The moment I became Megan Finley, I felt like I finally became my true self. Aaron and I even had this exchange: “You know, even if we divorce I’m keeping the name Finley.” To which he responded, “It is my gift to you.” And it truly truly was, and still is a wonderful gift.

Although, now that I am getting re-married, and starting a new family, I get to consider my name options again…

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Fuck gender roles: Sometimes I forget I’m “a girl” and that should be okay

Just one on the dudes.

In my comfort zone as just one of the dudes.

This last weekend, and a lot of in-depth conversations with my 0-on-the-kinsey-scale very-male-identified-but-not-in-an-obnoxious-bro-way) partner, got me thinking about gender roles, and my longtime struggle with them…

My gender identity is somewhere between male and female, and the pendulum can swing drastically at any point during any given day. As I put it to a friend of mine… Being treated and addressed like “one of the boys” is my happy place. But I’m also really excited to wear a big ‘ol poofy dress and makeup at my wedding. I like wearing both hats. I just want to be equally respected in both hats. And that’s just not a thing… yet.

Because of this I don’t always think about how my actions as someone who presents as female, and forgets to adhere traditional gender roles, can be misconstrued. Which can cause problems…

For example, In my 30+ years on this Earth, I’ve learned that male-identified humans seem to make better friends for me than people who identify as female. We have similar ways of attacking problems, similar ways of showing affection, and similar blind spots when it comes to sensitivity. So when I start friendships, or attempt to become closer to people, I don’t think twice about texting a guy friend late at night. If I’m thinking anything at all it’s “I want to connect with a friend.” But, because of my gender, it could be seen as being “sexually suggestive.” I talk a lot of shit, so when I tease the new guy I see it as me testing their boundaries as I figure out their comfort level. But, because of my vagina-having, others may see that as “flirting.” When I go out of my way to say or do nice things for a buddy, it’s an attempt to make someone feel good about themselves, because I like people to feel happy around me. But I have breasts, so it could also look like I’m “coming on to them.”

This kind of thing has been plaguing me, and women in general, forever.

Growing up I used to rage at gender assumptions made on my behalf. No I don’t want to play with the neighbor’s mean daughter, I want to play with the boy down the street who never makes me feel bad about myself. Why does my brother always get to go to the magical and fascinating hardware store with my dad, and I don’t. Why the fuck is the “girls” aisle in Toys R Us a wall of dizzying purples and pinks? I cursed the day I was born a girl, and wished constantly to be a boy. I pined over gender-neutral names like “Jo” and “Chris.” I dressed “like a boy.” And I even took up hobbies like basketball, which I didn’t even like, just so people could embrace my tomboyishness.

In high school it became worse and incredibly alienating to not see or want to adhere to gender rolls in the normalized fashion. There was the time one of the school counselors called me in for a meeting to tell me that they were “concerned about my behavior” (read: friendship) with boys at school. Mind you, there weren’t that many people who would even talk to an nerd like me, let alone be my friend. So my group of friends consisted of four boys in the grade below mine. They were the nicest, sweetest, most lovable dorks you’d ever meet — they still are. All I remember of that strange and inappropriate conversation is the lady telling me that my behavior with them “could be seen as flitty… flighty… slutty.” And I will never forget the shame I felt in that moment, just for being myself.

I also felt depressed and alienated when I couldn’t go over to my friends’ houses on the weekends, or attend their fun group snowboarding trips just because I was a girl.

If I were straight, cisgender male, all of my “concerning behaviors” would’ve been seen as normal. But since I was female, I was pushed away and slut shamed.

I know that playing around with gender identity is a new concept to most of the population. But gender lines have been fuzzy for as long as humans have been human-ing. Thankfully now terms like cisgender, genderqueer, and non-binary are hastily working their way into the every day lexicon. Hopefully one day we’ll get completely rid of the whole “boys do [this] and girls do [that]” mentality. And just be able to be “humans who do whatever they feel like doing the most.”

Recently, during my bachelor party, I was thinking about gender roles and gender identity — especially when I got looked at funny for calling my thing a “bachelor” party and not a “bachelorette” party. One descriptor felt right for myself, and the other one doesn’t fit at all. It got me thinking that if I had known some of those gender identity terms when I was kid, I may have identified as trans, since I couldn’t remember a time where I didn’t desperately want to be a boy and not a girl. But what I know now is that I don’t wish that I was an actual physical male, I’m glad I am female bodied. I like “being a girl”… but not all the time. So I guess I’d identify as genderqueer. But back when I desperately wanted to “be a boy” instead, what I really desperately wanted was the freedom to do the things I actually liked to do without being held back or shamed.

I saw from an early age, as my anger broiled in the Toys R Us aisle, how confining and unfair gender roles were. And guess what, they still are. But if we stop gendering things that don’t need to be gendered — bathrooms, schools, friendships, parties, topics of conversation — we could save a lot of little kids like me from feeling like they don’t really fit in anywhere. A lot of little genderfluid kids (even while inhabiting adult bodies) would shed a lot less tears.

How I faced my fear of the dentist (if it works for cats it can work for you!)

I just got four vaccines yesterday for my upcoming travels, and I was the biggest baby ever! But there was a time I was brave in the face of needles, and this is how I accomplished it…

White knuckling it at the dentist again today. Thankfully the last procedure for while. This took 10-ish years of avoidance. 2 years of therapy. And 1 amazing dentist buddy. Thank you, @whatsmikeeatingnow. I really hope you regain feeling in your fingers a lot faster this time around. #dentistbuddiesforlife #biggestfear #love

White knuckling it at the dentist again today. Thankfully the last procedure for while. This took 10-ish years of avoidance. 2 years of therapy. And 1 amazing dentist buddy. Thank you, @whatsmikeeatingnow. I really hope you regain feeling in your fingers a lot faster this time around. #dentistbuddiesforlife #biggestfear #love

I’m not just afraid of the dentist. More accurately, I have a “shut down completely, cry when I even THINK about going, prescription drugs are not enough to calm me, once made a dentist too upset to continue working on my mouth, trauma response-level” fear of the dentist.

Until this past year, I hadn’t been to the dentist in almost 10 years. The last time I went, being the aforementioned visit where I made the dentist so upset that he had to call it a day. Yeah, my full-blown panic attack made that professional dentist too upset to do professional dentistry.

What’s that you’re thinking? “What about laughing gas?” “What about drugs?” We tried that. My last dentist gassed me up until the point of “being too dangerous to gas you any further,” and it had ZERO effect. My anxiety level was so high that it ninja kicked that gas straight out of my system. And Valium? It works for the hour before the appointment, and then, when ass meets dentist chair, all the effects disappear.

Which means (for those of you who also have panic attacks, sing it along with me…) shaking, sweating through every layer of clothing, shallow breathing/hyperventilating, chest tightness, blurry vision, tears, nausea, the works.

I was recently talking to a friend, who also has a fear of the dentist, and she asked how I conquered my fear and went to the dentist, not once but THREE times this past year. My answer was that I did NOT conquer my fear, but I did do this…

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Welcome to the new style: New year, new life, new home

If this year has taught me anything, it’s that you can’t possibly predict how you’re life is going to go, even if you think you have it all figured out, even if you think your future is almost boringly clear. Things won’t always go, start, or end up how you expected.

Mike and me celebrating New Years Eve this year (my first non-birthday-related New Years Eve in almost 10 years!)

Mike and me celebrating New Years Eve this year (my first non-birthday-related New Years Eve in almost 10 years!)

There are very few times my old life overlaps with my new life. But when it happens, it’s pretty surreal, and often quite eye-opening. As I mentioned before, Mike and I dine out a LOT. Because food was not at all a part of my previous relationship, for the most part, we NEVER go to a restaurant where I’d previously been with my ex-husband. But I remember when it first happened quite clearly…

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Breaking news: Tina Fey reads Offbeat Home/thinks I’m hilarious

Apparently Tina Fey reads Offbeat Home & Life!

As I said on Offbeat Home

Okay, whatever Tina, I forgive you for thinking that our site is “mom stuff,” because you’re one of my heroes. And I’ll forgive you for making fun of our posts about sexuality (or the lack thereof), and not realizing how amazing our site is because of them, because you’ve fought so hard for feminism.

But mostly I forgive you, because I truly want to believe that I made Tina Fey laugh with my choice of amazing illustrating photos!

Tina Fey and Seth Myers talk about Offbeat Home

Much like how Tina makes her kid’s birthday parties about herself, I am going to make this news about myself: Tina Fey thinks I’m hilarious. That should be the over-all positive take-away on this story. I think we can all agree on that.

As one of my friends put it, this is “Nerd Writer Celeb Nirvana.” So, if you need me today, I’ll be running around my neighborhood screaming “TINA FEY LAUGHED AT SOMETHING I DID!” And then high-fiving a million angels.

My birthday: The Jesus Year and the year of the brat

Today I turned 34.

Me on the morning of my 34th birthday.

Last night, on my last night of being 33, a friend asked me if the past year was, indeed, a “Jesus year” for me.

My favorite definition of the term “Jesus year” comes (of course) from Urban Dictionary:

“The 33rd year of your life where you are reborn in some sense. Perhaps a mid-life crisis, perhaps an ego death, perhaps the year where you abandon old ways and start new …. or perhaps you were affixed to a cross and came out the other side a spiritual figure that historians, theologians, worshipers and dissenters make the subject of many a conversation.”

My response: Well, let’s see… this last year only my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE changed.

By the time my 33rd year would end, most of the things I had used to define myself were stripped away: My 10 year relationship with that guy I married would be over, I would no longer be a doggy mommy, I’d be eating foods I swore off or swore I’d never eat, I’d be making dental appointments!!! Oh, and I’d also be in a new relationship (more on that later).

I had in a way definitely been reborn on my 33rd year. Some of this change was forced upon me, some of it was by choice, but all of it was exactly what I needed, and I couldn’t be happier heading into my next year of living on this planet.

Now I’m starting my 34th year with nothing but optimism and excitement. It’s no wonder that today has already been one of the best birthdays I’ve had in years, and it isn’t even over yet.

So far I’ve…

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This post is more of a “proof of life” entry…

I’ve gotten a few concerned emails from my lovely wonderful friends asking if all was okay, since I hadn’t blogged in a while.

The answer is overwhelmingly YES! Actually.

I’m home from all my travels. I’m filing for divorce officially. I’m happy about that. I’m going out a lot. I’m going on adventures with friends. I’m eating foods I’ve never tried before. I’m starting up the ‘ol Fitbit again. I’m walking a lot. I’m kicking ass. I’m re-doing my apartment. I’m getting new hard wood floors. I’m re-painting. I’m buying a dining room table and chair set. I’m re-decorating. I’m overwhelmed by all of this but…

I’m good. I’m great. I’m happy. I’m excited. And mostly… I’m looking forward to the future.

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