Posted on February 28, 2012
The one thing I don’t have.
Obnoxious as this may sound, right now, I have everything I’ve ever wanted: love, my health, both of my parents, great friends, a great job that let’s me be creative and set my own schedule, sweet pets, and lots of lots of things (computers, cameras, cars, tvs, furniture, clothes, etc). So, naturally, I’m obsessing about the ONE thing I don’t have — a house.
I have a place to live, yes. I have an apartment in a great location, with decent views and friends that live right next door. But I don’t have my OWN home. I think about the money I spend on rent every month and I think… damnit, I really wish I could be investing all that dough into something for our future… like a home, or a savings account that will eventually afford me a home.
For years, every time I brought up the subject of buying a home to Aaron he scoffed at me, explaining how a house isn’t even on his radar of achievable goals. It’s like he just gave up. I get it. I never thought I’d be 30 years old and still living in an apartment. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I were almost 40 and still had never achieved home ownership. I mean, we both come from families full of homeowners — hell, my parents own and live in THREE properties all over the US! So it’s definitely easy to feel like losers from where we stand.
But I feel like if I don’t do something NOW, if I don’t start to focus my mind on achieving that seemingly impossible goal, I just might feel as hopeless as Aaron does, and then give up completely.
Recently I found the seemingly impossible — a house in our theoretical budget (under $275,000), in an amazing location, with character, with land, a fireplace, a two car garage, and not a LOT, but enough room for our small family. I showed it to Aaron and, for the first time ever, he actually got excited about the idea of buying a home.
He called up his parents, and they offered some help. We started to think, maybe we could pull this off! We rang in the new year cheers-ing “to possibly buying a house!”
And then it all fell apart…
My parents told me that they can’t help us with any part of the downpayment. And then within DAYS of our dream home hitting the market, an offer had already been made on it. Leaving the market, once again, completely bereft of options for us. We realized then that the idea of getting out of this apartment and improving our living situation will more than likely have to wait for many many years, if it ever does actually happen.
So what am I doing about the whole home sitch now? About the only thing I can do: I’m trying to save. But the savings are meager and it never seems to grow very much. You know how life is… you save up money and then BOOM! some emergency happens and you have to spend all those savings… over and over and over again. So, at the rate I’m saving I should be able to afford a downpayment for a tiny house in… 30 years? Sigh.
So why, then, keep focusing on the one thing I don’t have? Aaron, once again, sees it all as a waste of time. I see it as my way of focusing energy on something in order to help it come to fruition. It may seem like fruitless search that will only serve to make me feel even more hopeless.
But focusing on my pipe-dream of homeownership reminds me of the awesome things to look forward to in life — owning our own place, having a yard for the dogs, getting out of an apartment, or perhaps getting out of Los Angeles, or even California in general! We could go anywhere in our future and do anything. Perhaps one day we could even make enough money to afford a wonderful home somewhere that we love to live.
And i think that’s what my search for a make-believe home represents — infinite and awesome possibilities.