funk in deep freeze

Why this atheist loves her some freaking Christmas…

24 Dec 2011 7 Comments

by meganfinley in holidays, me Tags: christmas, family, religion

This year is the year that I came out as an atheist. I don’t know why it took me so long to admit and and share it with others. But, I feel a HUGE sense of relief being really out and proud about it.

This post is one that I’ve been kicking around for a while, but I never published last year when I started writing it. And now, a year later, I’m ready to hit publish and put this out there.

This is how and why this atheist not only celebrates, but loves her some Christmas. It’s long, and rambles at time, it talks about my views and awkward experiences with religion, but if you feel like getting inside of my brain, you can take a stroll through this Christmas-themed coming out party…

I should explain that my families (both biological and by marriage) are both Christian. Aaron’s family practices more-so than my family, but the beliefs are the still there regardless… I think. And, of course, being Christian, they celebrate the religious aspect of Christmas. Though, growing up, our household’s Christmas was always more about Santa. I actually had no idea that Christmas was supposed to be Jesus’ birthday for a VERY (almost embarrassingly) long time.

As far as I was concerned, Christmas Eve was the night that Santa flew around the world performing miracles (fitting his fat ass through chimneys, flying his sleighs, eating copious amounts of cookies without getting diabetes, etc). And Christmas day was all about waking up, sharing excitement with your family, and OMG the opening presents! Then seeing your ENTIRE family all in one place at night. It was AWESOME, because it was magic and love, and magic and love are awesome.

To give a deeper background, I grew up in an a non-practicing Christian home, almost every school I went to was religion-based: Presbyterian, Protestant and Episcopalian… whatever they all mean. But what it meant to me, as a child, was sitting through a lot of boring “chapel” services at least once a week (my tic-tac-toe skills became finely honed). So, I grew up believing in the Christian God, because that was just how it was, there was no question in my mind — like Santa was real, so was Jesus and God and all those biblical stories were real. Did they make any sense? No! But if Santa was real, and there was clear proof (presents that weren’t there the day before and eaten cookies), then it would makes sense that all the other Bible stories could be real too.

But as I grew older, I realized that I actually had the ability to form my own opinions! Oh, what a an amazing discovery THAT was. And, as my belief in Santa faded, so did my beliefs in Christianity and God and all the things I was taught as a child.

I have to say that one of the best things that my parents did for me was to not REALLY force any ideologies upon me. I know that we talked about God like it was real. I even “said my prayers” at night. And they put me into religious schools. But never a Bible school, and we never went to church on the regular. Theirs was a really casual idea of religion, so that when I started to doubt it all, I never felt like i was going break their hearts if I didn’t believe. They did a super good job on showing me what they believed, but giving me the room to form my own opinions. And for that I thank them.

In fact, just last year when we spent Christmas with our families in Texas, and my family and I were invited to go to Aaron’s family’s church on Christmas Eve. I was actually excited to go because my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law were performing in the service with the bell choir. Aaron and I were very proud. But — honest time — organized religious events make me very uncomfortable.

It had been so long that I’ve been to a church or religious event, that I decided to look at this church outing as a voyeuristic experience instead of participatory. Which would have worked PERFECTLY… if we hadn’t been late on arrival and ended up sitting front row. Instead of being a passive observer, I felt like the observed. (I got the feeling that they don’t get many visits from pink-haired people. Especially pink-haired people that barge in with an entourage of about a dozen other people.)

And it only got worse when I realized that there was to be a communion. Now, since I had attended my fair share of Christian schools, I recognized this ritual, I knew all about it, and what it represented, and what one was supposed to do, etc. And even, back in the day, when I believed in Christianity I NEVER participated in the ritual. It has always made me uncomfortable. Thankfully, when I was growing up, there was always an option to opt-out. I simply just hung back with my friends when my row of school mates would get up to take communion. Which was why I took comfort in the knowledge that, surely, I wouldn’t be the ONLY ONE to not take communion that night.

But, it soon became very clear that yes, in fact, I would be the ONLY ONE to not get up from my seat and participate.

And you know, there was a moment where I thought, “maybe I should just do it. I don’t want to insult anyone.” And then I thought, no! That’s the WORST decision I could make in the situation. It just simply wouldn’t be right. Beyond the fact that it’s not something I’m comfortable with, it also would be disrespectful to the people who really believe in their sacred ritual. I believe that any religious ritual shouldn’t be taken lightly or done just because every one else is. That’s actually one of my fundamental problems with organized religion in general. And here I was thinking about doing that very thing!

I even thought to take the religious aspect out of it. I thought, let’s say I was a vegan. I wouldn’t just abandon my convictions and decide to eat meat because I happen to be a guest at someone else’s dinner party, and I don’t want to insult their cooking. In that same vein, I’m not going to abandon my convictions and symbolically consume the body of someone else’s sacred deity just because I’m afraid to insult anyone.

So, there I sat, front row center, a new and strange pink-haired freak, feeling out of place and just hoping that the whole “judge not yet ye be judged” thing rang true for everyone around me. And hoping that my family would understand. I think my parents were embarrassed but accepting — I mean, they’ve been dealing with my beliefs (or lack there of) for years and years.

When it comes down to it, the thing I loved the most about Christmas was the Santa part. Because when I was little I truly believed in magic and I remember the excitement of it all and the sense of wonder that it instilled in me. And then I started to think, some people think Jesus is just as magical, I guess. And religion seems to instill that same sense of wonder and excitement in a lot of people. So, you know, that’s part is pretty cool.

What’s not cool to me about religion? The judging. The killing. The sense of being better than others because they believe in one book instead of another. The idea of following without questioning the reasons why. The sense of separation it instills. I could go on forever, but I don’t want to seem insensitive.

On the drive home from Texas last year, Aaron and I started discussing religion. We started to explore what we both actually believe. There is no written dogma that encompasses what I believe. I don’t believe in God. I do believe in forces of nature. I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I do believe that when we die, that’s it. And I believe that that part, the death thing, is a hard idea for people to swallow. I get it, it’s hard for me to swallow too. But most importantly, I believe in being a good person. And I believe in being a good person, not because some book of rules dictates that behavior, I believe in doing it because I want to be a positive force in the world.

Which is why, even as an atheist, I love to celebrate Christmas.

Like most things, I feel like Christmas has evolved BEYOND just a religious celebration of the birth of Jesus. I mean, when many Christians INSIST on telling others “Merry Christmas”, no matter their religious affiliations, cultural beliefs, social backgrounds, etc. then they’re basically opening up the idea of EVERYONE being able to celebrate Christmas. And so, you get people like me, who completely abandon the concept of a holy virgin birthday celebration and focus, instead, on the parts that I like of this particular holiday.

In a nutshell, for this atheist, celebrating Christmas is about taking the time to show affection to the people that you know (through presents!) and being sweet to even the ones you don’t. Also, taking a day to spread good karma is an amazing concept on any level — religious of not.

I once had a conversation with a friend who asked me, “do you have your own beliefs or just disbeliefs of others?”

And at first I answered quickly, “a nice mix of both?” And then I started to think on it a little more and said, “Let’s just say, I don’t like religion in general, but I like the idea of believing in magic!” To which my friend replied, “I like the idea of you liking the idea of believing in magic.”

And that’s about as simple as I can get it. So I hope y’all have a magical, wonderful Christmas.