funk in deep freeze

Every thing’s better with Lifefinder

25 Jan 2011 2 Comments

by meganfinley in literature, silly Tags: aaron

From the man that brought you “No, he doesn’t wear The Precious” I give you one of Aaron’s pointless-yet-funny fake ad placements…

So many things to do, how will you keep track? … Use Lifefinder!

Lifefinder’s patented usage of contraband Russian technology will make you smart. People will laugh harder when you tell a joke when you use Lifefinder. There is even a new app to manage your new Lifefinder life on your mobile device.

Does your tiny robot have a cord coming out of it? If you answered “no” then it is probably a mobile device and you should probably get the mobile device app by Lifefinder.

Does your neck hurt? Lifefinder didn’t do that to you — Lifefinder only makes shit easier, bitch. Can’t find the keys to your spouses car? Lifefinder has already searched the Internet to find them!

Do you sometimes feel an overwhelming urge to type and show strangers your vacation pictures? Are you currently, or were you recently, drunk and possibly in college? So is Lifefinder! … Drunk on the power to make your life better.

Lifefinder wants you to be your own best friend. Lifefinder will then move in and become your new bff making you irrelevant and tired of yourself. Have you ever wondered why you aren’t as cool as Lifefinder? Maybe Stacy would rather hang out with Lifefinder than with you. You should have invited Lifefinder to your mom’s birthday party.

You really underestimated Lifefinder, didn’t you.

Now you are all drunk again and drunk-texting Lifefinder repeatedly, and Lifefinder is totally just not replying, and you know Lifefinder is just making fun of you and reading your texts outloud to it’s friends.

Lifefinder … Now with unauthorized access to your webcam!

Using your laptop? Lifefinder knows. It is posting your porn searches on Facebook. Lifefinder can help you finish your report this weekend, but it isn’t going to. Did you want a little coffee this morning to help shake off that hangover? Well to damn bad. Lifefinder drank it all while going through your underwear drawer. It took video off it, and now everyone knows about those panties you only wear when it’s the first day of your period.

Lifefinder …. Because you may be on the same cycle.

You know Lifefinder is hoping you won’t notice the extra eBay purchases it made last month. Need to get to the airport? Lifefinder can give you a ride, with a smile. Need a ride home from the airport, too? Lifefinder will be laughing with it’s friends and eating YumYum donuts when your flight arrives.

When you text Lifefinder it may respond, but it will probably end with the response with “lol.” And the lol will be ON YOU!

Lifefinder doesn’t even have to try… Want directions to your job interview? Lifefinder already printed them for you and made you a peanut butter and jelly sack lunch for after. Of course, Lifefinder spilled a beer and bottle of Elmer’s non-toxic glue on the directions, making them illegible, and got hungry and at your sandwich.

Does your thumb hurt from too much texting? So does Lifefinders thumb. Quit whining. Did you lose your cell phone charger? Borrow lifefinders! Like you always do.

You will never be as smart as Lifefinder, even if Lifefinder pulls some strings and gets you in to it’s alma mater… which was Oxford, by the way.

Lifefinder … Because it’s just better.