Am I broken?

To all my Blog readers who are parents:

How did you know you you wanted to have a kid? When did you know for sure? Did you ever REALLY know for sure?

Since I turned 23 and decided that I didn’t want to have any kids I’ve been told “you’ll change your mind” but I’m almost 29 (next month) and I still don’t feel the need. And now I’m feeling broken. And I’m feeling like a terrible girl.

Almost all my female family members and friends, if they haven’t already had one, they at least KNOW that they eventually want to have kids. And I don’t. I still don’t. I just don’t know.

So I guess yeah, I’m asking, did you ever really know for certain? Was there ever a time that it hit you like a ton of bricks? I’m confused and overwhelmed and need some input.

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38 thoughts on “Am I broken?

  1. I have several female friends, in long term committed relationships, in their 30′s, who aren’t planning to have children. They don’t dislike children – they just aren’t interested in having their own. They like their lives, their freedom, the extra money, and all that time alone with just their partner.

    My vote = not broken. :)

    • But like, did they ALWAYS know they didn’t want kids for 100% sure. Because I can’t tell. I just wish I knew either way. Also THANK YOU for writing, it means a lot!!!!

  2. OMG. Megan… I hope our conversation didn’t spark this! Kids are not right for everyone. My advice would be to stop stressing about it, go with your gut and your heart and live your life to the fullest! If it’s meant to be, you’ll feel it. Stop second guessing your feelings… they are YOU. And YOU are what’s right.

    • Ha, no, you didn’t spark this, well, you encouraged me to want to have an open discussion about it on the blog. BUT, interestingly enough, I’ve been thinking about this A LOT this entire week. Something about my neighbor dying and my 29th bday approaching that brought it on.

  3. Hi Megan! Here’s a little insight into how I feel…

    I know for sure that I want to have a kid(s) for a few different reasons:

    1. I can’t imagine passing up the opportunity to create a person who is going to be a combination of Anh and myself. That alone blows my mind and sounds totally freaking awesome. Like I know he’s/she’s going to be totally rad.

    2. Having a mother/child relationship with said rad person sounds f-ing rad too!

    3. I really want to have a FAMILY. This is a big one. I was an only child of separated parents and not only do I not have like ‘typical’ and/or close relationships with either of them, but there is no other extended family in my life really either. I want all the closeness and love that having a family affords. My “family of friends” is not enough for me anymore. I want an honest to goodness FAMILY. I want crazy holiday dinners, family vacations, etc. And this is a wish that looks far into the future… yeah, it’s gonna be great to have my kids as kids, but really I look forward to them being adults. Being able to hang out with awesome people that Anh and I created sounds like the bees knees.

    So, those are my reasons for wanting to have kids. Everyone is different, and especially if you already have a family, there might not be an aching need to create one. But one thing I would suggest in thinking about wanting to have or not have kids is: don’t just think about them as kids… think about the long term bigger picture. I’m not necessarily a “kid” person, and this fact used to hold me back from committing to the idea of wanting kids, but as we all know childhood flies by fairly quickly and then your kids will be adults… and awesome ones at that.

    P.S. I wasn’t always 100%, but I would say gradually over the last 3 years or so, as I started to really focus on my future (and I met the right person), I came to my conclusion, and now, yes, I am 100%.

    • Wow, you kind of blew my mind. I actually NEVER think of “our kid” as being a grown up. Just an obnoxious child to slave over. Interesting. I’ll have to toy with that idea.

      I totally get you on reason #1 though. I’m like, UGH, I *so* want to see what the combination of me and Aaron is like. How funky would that child be!? It’d probably be awesome.

      God, I’d give anything to know 100% either way.

  4. Weeeelll — I’m the opposite end: I’ve known for years and years and years that I didn’t want kids, and for a long time I got the “you’ll change your mind” or “just wait until that biological clock starts ticking” and it never did. If anything, I’ve gotten more adamant about it. Which is a good thing, really. It’s like the random person above said — I like my life, my partner, my freedom. I actually do like many children; I just don’t want them.

    Also, almost 29 is still plenty young to be uncertain about whether you want kids or not. You’ve got years yet if you decide later on that you do — but having a kid isn’t really a revocable decision (at least without lots of complications and emotional trauma). There’s nothing wrong with saying “I know I don’t want a kid right now. Maybe I’ll want one in a few years” and re-evaluating how you feel then. And how your husband feels about it — kids should be a mutual decision, imho.

    • The thing with being almost 29 is this… when Aaron and I first met 5 years ago we both didn’t think we wanted kids, so we decided if, by the time I’m 30, I still don’t want to have them then that’d be it for us. I don’t know, 30 seemed so FAR AWAY then and I thought for SURE that I would know either way. And now that I have a year to figure it out (btw, I know it’s not set in stone for sure, but it’s given me a lot to think about in the mean time) it’s weighing really heavily on me. And the “you’ll change your mind”ers of the world are really making me wonder if I’m all kinds of fucked because I haven’t and maybe won’t.

  5. I guess I just don’t understand why you *have* to know, or why Aaron *has* to have a vasectomy because you talked about it many years ago. People change, plans change, LIFE changes.

    You don’t have to know how your future will layout for the next 20 yrs right now. Life is about going with the flow, and planning when you can. You don’t want kids right now… so that’s it! There is nothing fucked up or broken about that, and I think you truly know that in your heart.

    I know you’d feel it would be easier to know how you feel… rather than not know. But shit.. isn’t that what life is about? I’m hardly ever sure about anything. What I AM sure about, is that I value family and want to have my own little group of misfits. I want the craziness and drama, and obligation. To me.. that is what life is about. Family, love, adventure, experience, caring. And I guess at this point in my life, I’m starting to understand that for me that means having a kiddo or two (adoption or naturally).

    You are not fucked up, you’re not broken, you’re not anything but amazing. Now take that confidence, stuff it up inside and be the Megan you know you are! Children or no children, your life will be amazing if you MAKE it amazing.

    • It’s not that I *have* to know, it’s that I WANT to know. And I’m wondering if this is normal to not know, or if most people like know 100% for fucking sure either way. Hence posting the question on the blog. I’m loving all the responses which are pretty much teaching me that yes, people generally KNOW either way.

  6. WOW Megs, you got a lot of advice on this one! I don’t really have advice but people always tell me I am crazy cus I want more then two kids! There is nothing wrong with me cus I want lots of kids and there is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with you cus you don’t! I think you are smart. So many people have kids just cus its “the next step” without even really thinking what a kid does to your life. I am just happy you understand what a huge decision having a baby is and aren’t taking it lightly. I love you! And believe me YOU AREN’T BROKEN!!

    • Thanks Katie. I guess it’s just that after getting beaten down with the “you’ll see”s and the “just wait”s that I haven’t yet “seen” and now I’m like, wtf is wrong with me. People either DON’T WANT kids or WANT kids and I’m like… I don’t want kids NOW and maybe not ever, but I just don’t know! There hasn’t been a click, there hasn’t been a moment of clarity. When we talk about getting my tubes tied there’s this part of me that goes YES! Do it! And then there’s this part of me that goes NO! What if!

  7. Girl, I totally get you. I never had strong feelings either way about children, but sort of leaned toward the “probably not” side. I also thought that if I changed my mind, I could always adopt. I was ok with adoption. In fact, I think it’s pretty important. Either way, I never had that “urge” to procreate…

    When I hit my 30s, and my friends started to create families, then things started to change a little. Just a little. I finally found the man for me at 33. We talked about the possibility of kids, but neither of us were worried about it.

    Then I turned 35. My doctor was nice enough to remind me “this is the time when your body starts to decline when it comes to reproduction. If you want to do it, you better get on it.” Whatever, I thought. I’m not going to worry about it.

    Then I turned 37. My man and I have had serious discussions about getting married. I’ve been looking forward to getting engaged and getting a dog. And then one day, about 6 weeks ago, my man comes home and asks “How many kids do you want?” Uhhh… I tell him zero to one — maybe. And as it turns out, he realized he wants kids. His OWN kids. Made with me. And after a 3-hour debate about why maybe we shouldn’t (me arguing that side: “What if I’m bad at it? What if it kills our romance? What if the kid has a horrible disability? I don’t want to breastfeed…”) he shot down all my fears with just the right things to say. And then I said “OK.” Followed by “But time is of the essence. I don’t want to try after 40.”

    Which means I have 2.5 years to get engaged (it’s coming), get married (flirting with eloping) and pop out 2 kids. (Assuming we’re lucky enough to have no trouble getting pregnant.)

    I’m kinda freaking out. I won’t lie. But what really finally makes me all warm and fuzzy about it is realizing that I’m giving him children. Because he would make a terrific father. And I think I will make an OK mother. And I love him to death. And we will get through it together. And I KNOW our kids will be awesome. (Here’s hoping I’m not totally wrong!)

    P.S. This is not in any way to convince you to have kids. Just sharing my take on it, because I totally relate.

    • That’s a super awesome story and I thank you for sharing it. I’m almost wondering if that would be us one day. But the problem is that’s also a HUGE fear because I feel like I would have hit 36 and gone, well clearly there shall be no having of the kids if I haven’t wanted them yet. And then we would get my tubes tied and then it would hit one of us and then OH NOEZ! Ugh, it’s SO much to think about. But can I just say, WOW! How romantic of your man to just come home and drop that on you, I think if Aaron decided he definitely wanted to have kids with me that might be all it would take. ;)

      • That’s kinda what Brett did. He finally said one day that he was into having kids, and asked me when I’d be ready. He’s done that a couple of times now but it’s really touching each time he mentions it. I know he’s waiting patiently for me… and when the time comes we’ll do it. It’s just so.. funny!

  8. Late to the party on this one, but you know my opinion: no one should EVER feel like they should have kids. EVER. And I certainly hope none of the “cute babies in star wars tshirts” pictures I’ve sent you have inadvertently pressured you, because I don’t think there’s anything broken about someone who doesn’t want kids. At all.

    That said, there’s no need to decide right now. I have friends who are in their late 30s who are still just getting around to deciding, and while there’s no denying fertility issues crop up more in your late 30s … I think it’s better to deal with a few fertility issues than to rush into something you’re not ready for.

    • No worries, I don’t feel like anyone’s telling me that i SHOULD have kids. No one’s being that aggressive. But, you know the “you’ll see”s and what not. And when I look at those cute babies in Star Wars shirts I go, “aw, I want that with Aaron, but I don’t want to have to actually raise a kid.” How fucked up is that? I want those adorable sweet moments but I don’t want all the shit, piss and crying that it comes with. It’s so confusing.

  9. After almost 10 years of marriage, my wife and I had both agreed that we weren’t going to have any kids. So what happens? Soon after we had toasted to having no kids we find out she is pregnant. Our son is now 2 years old and we wouldn’t give him up for anything in the world. He is our world. Life is crazy like that sometimes.

  10. Girl!!! You are NOT BROKEN!! You are what you are. If you don’t want kids, then you don’t. That’s cool. ( If you’re not sure though, then I’d say definitely put some time into thinking about it. Because let me tell you, that clock, when it starts ticking (if you do end up wanting kids) it’s LOUD and annoying and not terribly fun. I’ll tell you about how awful my 29th birthday was sometime due to that damn bio.clock! )
    I guess I did always plan to have kids (you know how I’m a d0-it-the-way-you’re-’supposed’-to kind of girl), but it wasn’t until I was your age now that it really started to matter to me.

    But, here’s my honest, no bullshit, I’m-not-just-saying-this-to-get-me-some-nieces-and-nephews-TRUTH: I see you being an awesome mama. A totally rocking OFFBEAT mama, but awesome at it. The way you treat and love Jackson and Peezu (and all your other furry kids) is the way you would be as a mom. You would be amazing. Any other thoughts you have to the contrary are just bunk and not true. As a mom, I can see it in you. Really, the only skill you need to have going in is the ability to open your heart to amazing amounts of love.

    Yes, kids are a pain. Other peoples’s kids are particularly irritating, (you know my thoughts on that!) but your own kids….they are like your dogs. You teach and train and love them and mold them in the way that works for you. You weed out the irritating things that other people let their kids do, and you learn how to Love & Logic them with” rules, boundaries, and limitations”, and you end up with awesome kids that totally fit YOU. Now, just like your dogs, you’re gonna have to clean up some poop from time to time, but at least they outgrow that fairly quickly! :) And the good thing about kids? They start out as babies…. so you get to ease into it and figure it all out as you go. No one knows what the hell they are doing when they first become a parent. So if you’re thinking “I wouldn’t know what to do”….. neither did the rest of us. It’s an on-the-job-training sort of gig. And nothing, I mean NOTHING, will turn a bad day around faster than a smile and a hug from one of my guys. It’s so worth all the work.

    I think the comment above about having them around when they are grown is amazing and so true. I also think that if you just don’t know yet, you just need to keep things open ended. Don’t set a deadline, don’t do anything undo-able. Just be patient, pay attention to what you’re thinking about the situation and feeling. I think if you don’t know 100%, it’s because you’re changing and growing. It might be that you change your mind and want kids, or it might be that you grow into a certainty that you don’t. Either way, just wait until you do know for sure what you want.

    (Hope that doesn’t come across as pressure from the fam….)
    Hugs…..
    M

    • YAY! I was hoping to hear from you on this.

      I guess there just feels like pressure because, honestly, Aaron really doesn’t want to wait much longer for me to figure it out. He’s like NOOOOOOO and I’m well maybe??? and he’s like, you have till your 30. And I’m like WTF!? I thought for SURE I’d know by 30. But now that I’m almost 29 (2 days!) I’m worried that my biological clock, which had started ticking lightly will just stay light and never make me feel 100% either way. Anyway, so that’s why the “keep waiting and seeing” thing won’t necessarily work because as much as I’m willing to wait and see, Aaron is SUPER anxious to kill the baby making mechanism asap. So we’ll see if I can’t talk him into waiting a little longer.

      And as far as the dog thing… I have had people tell me that before, you know, based on how I am with my dogs etc. but the thing is, I’m SUPER impatient with my dogs and it worries me that I’d be so fucked up to my kids. Plus my other comment to that is, well, you can’t really lock up a kid in a crate when you want to go out for a few hours. ;) But yeah, I get it, especially what I know of your Love and Logic stuff which makes a LOT of sense and actually put the whole “whoa parenting iz hards” thing a little more into perspective for me.

      Anyway, yeah, hopefully I’ll get a little more time to decide. But you’re saying that at 29 (or whatever) you were like YES! KIDS! WANT EM! NOW! ???

  11. OK so all through my 20′s I was VERY adamant about NOT having kids. NONE. no way. EVAR. Then suddenly I woke up one day and was like “I want a kid. like, NOW.” Weird, right? I dunno what happened, really. In fact, EVERYONE kept saying to me “I thought you were never having kids?” blah blah blah. I know you have 30 as this ‘magic number’, but I don’t think you should give yourselves a deadline. Maybe you’ll wake up one day and say ‘yup, NO KIDS EVER’ or maybe it’ll be the other way around? Just enjoy your lives and don’t stress over not knowing. You’re no where near being broken! Enjoying not having to stress over finding a sitter, and not having to wake up every 2 hours to feed a screaming infant. Or almost puking in your hands from the stench that’s coming out from it’s diapers. Or wanting to crawl under a rock from embarassment when your child says (at the top of it’s lungs, no less) in the department store check-out line: “mom, you have boogers in your nose!” Yeah.

    • HA!!! Oh Claudia, you’re little girl warms my heart. I love that kid. Honestly, she kinda made me “hmmmm? maybe?” But yeah, I’m just wondering if that day will ever come where I wake up and go YES! or NO! I’m just impatient I guess.

  12. I don’t think every woman *ahem* decides they want kids. I got pregnant at eighteen and was on bith control, using condoms on top of the “withdrawl method,” AND was told that, with my medical issues I’d never be able to have children… despite all that I have a [pretty awesome] four year old son. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son and he’s the most important person in my life BUT I would never ever have another one. My future mister wanted more and we fought and there were tears from both parties, and I even wanted to break off the relationship! Finally he came to the conclusion that little D is enough. He still regrets not being there for the first two years, but having a baby “together” isn’t going to make up for that. Once he accepted that, he decided he’s going to have a vasectomy early next year. You’re not broken to not want kids, it’s one of those things that shouldn’t be forced upon any woman.

  13. hi megan. i am the mother of four (yep, i said four) beautiful, challenging, annoying, fabulous, creative, pain in the ars, time consuming, couldn’t think of my life without them children. two girls and two boys.

    To have a child is the sweet, salty, sour, decadent and not yet rip version of the best piece of fruit you can imagine. And – if you knew what you were biting before the first bite, would you do it? I’d do it all over again….and again….and again….and again. the thing is….it all started by accident – at 17 (lost and alone), then 18 (married and responsible), then 23 (unhappily married and STILL responsible) and finally at 34 (HAPPILY re-married and finally old enough to know what makes all difference in raising children). Having support is key. It is impossible to raise a child on your own, even if you believe you are super woman like most of us.

    As an older woman my body nearly gave out on me, offering a new “what the freak” just happened to me at each stage. You get over the “what my body used to look like” stuff – honestly, the only difference these days (the youngest is now 4.5) is that I’m just totally exhausted each day. This is the result of just being older, not being busier. I’m as happy as ever, i would not trade any of it – I’d just like to figure out how to drive, market, work and pick up my morning coffee….all while napping to get more energy to keep up with those darlings.

    Good luck – it’s all about choices.

  14. found you on obb… i love your pics and as soon as the bf proposes, i’ll be bugging you to be my photographer :)

    my two cents, wayyyyy too late, but for what it’s worth ((hopefully more than a couple of pennies)):

    i’m 24… i’ve been saying my *entire* life that i don’t want kids. ever.

    i adore kids. in fact, every job i’ve ever had has revolved around kids in some way… babysitting, boys & girls club, toy store ((current job – 4 years and counting))… but i have never wanted one of my own.

    perhaps it’s because i still feel like a kid myself? maybe when i feel like an “adult”, my feelings will change, but even still… i’d *much* rather adopt a child ((maybe even one who wasn’t a baby)) before having one of my own…

    *kristyn*

    • i TOTALLY feel you on the “still feeling like a kid myself” thing. I mean, I can BARELY take care of myself sometimes, how would I care for a helpless human being! Though I think it must force you to grow up fast. But who knows, I’m stubborn. :)

      Seriously Kristyn, thanks for sharing with me. And totally hit me up for your future wedding!

  15. there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids, maybe in the future you will, maybe you won’t but no matter what there’s nothing wrong with it

    to be honest with you i never EVER wanted kids, until the day my son was born i never had any interest in it (my son kinda had an odd birth and you’d have to read his whole birth sorry to really understand) now i’m expecting my 2nd child and i love being a mom

    but if you asked me just a little over a year ago if i ever wanted kids i would have told you hell no

  16. hey.. i’m a newbie here, drawn over from the shark story.. saw this query and had to comment.. :)
    i didn’t grow up wanting to have kids, tho it was never an adamant absolute. i just never had that visceral innate desire to procreate. long story short, i did have kids.. i was in a place of confusion and thought well, i guess that’s whats next.. and i had two. second was a surprise..(let me be VERY clear in saying that multiple forms of birth control do NOT work for everyone!) then i got my tubes tied and highly recommend it! anyway.. what i wanted to share was that my daughter(now twelve) has always said she doesn’t ever want to have kids. at first she was so young i thought it must be from some failure of mine, and felt horribly guilty. but she has never wavered, has never varied, and knows that that’s just not something she wants. and that’s ok.
    when my kids were small i didn’t like it, and thought i had a deficiency.. doesn’t everyone love kids, desire to be a parent? i thankfully had a wonderfull woman take me aside one day and tell me that i wasn’t alone, that some people like the baby stage and some people like older stages, and that she like me struggled thru the baby stages. the truth is that the older my kids get the more i love it. she was right, i’m just not a baby person, and that too, is ok.
    i may get some awfull comments from the next thing i’m going to say, but i’m going to be honest. if i were to go back i wouldn’t have any kids. hear me well.. i LOVE my kids.they are amazing and intelligent and creative and interesting. they are beautifull people with good hearts and loving souls. i LIKE them. i ENJOY them. but i loathe parenting. i am a great mother, but i hate the act of parenting. i do it, and i do it well and i do it consciously, but it is not something i would choose to do had i the choice again.
    (please refrain from comments taking this dialogue to the ‘what would ofs’ on the side of their existence and purpose.. that is altogether another dialogue :)

    your struggle to know 100 percent is you putting a bit too much pressure on you in my opinion. you may come to the place where you know definitively one way or the other, or you may come to the place where you make the best decision you can in the space that you are at when you decide it’s time to decide. there is no wrong choice here.. we make the choices we make with clear heads and high hopes and determined spirits, and we give the best of us and the most of us to those decisions, and we trust that with strength of spirit we come out on our feet at the other end.
    sorry for the long answer! but in my opinion you seem like a smart girl, i think that in whichever decision you make you will be ok.

    • oh MY GAWD. THANK YOU!!!! a million times for this comment. I have never NEVER heard anyone say “yes, i have kids and I love them, but I if I had a do-over I wouldn’t do it.” It makes me cry tears of happiness to read that. I just don’t buy that EVERYONE drinks the Kool-Aid after they have a kid. It made me think that… I don’t know… I can’t even formulate what I’m trying to say BUT! I just thank you for your honesty.

      You and a previous commenter (my friend Amanda) put a thought in my head that I’d never had before — kids aren’t just KIDS forever! They grow up to be cool adults that you can actually have pretty awesome relationships with. I had never thought of that before. I just think kids = babies… horrible screaming poopy babies. Of which I am not a fan. But older kids can be cool, if they’re chill. ;)

      Anyway, thanks again. You rock.

  17. i always knew i wanted kids. always. i didnt even realize i had a choice. i love my kids.. of course.. but if i had sat and thought it out… really… i would have “thought” a bit harder about it. my want and need for kids was the driving force in getting married (and then divorced). get where im going with this?
    im sure nothing would have stopped me… but if you are doubting it AT ALL dont. thats my advice. children are not for the weak or wary. its ok. and you are ok. as a matter of fact, just knowing what you want and listening to your gut puts you WAYYY ahead of the game. good luck.

    • the problem is that I don’t know what I want! And that’s what makes me feel broken. Like, don’t people usually know what they want when it comes to something big as that? IMHO you are the one that’s way ahead of the game because you totally knew! I’m jealous of that. :)

  18. Not knowing is much harder than knowing. You have to live in limbo, exploring all the options, thinking what if this, what if that, what do I really feel, is it normal to feel this way, am I okay to explore this question so deeply when everyone else just seems to decide? It’s not broken. I’ve been there with some other big issues (not baby-related). It’s normal – just not easy.

    For me the tipping point question about children was about a year ago when I thought about reaching 50 and never having kids and realizing that made me sad/scared me. I didn’t not want to have kids – therefore I actually did want to have kids. Realizing I wanted to have kids also scared the crap out of me since I was never into kids before that and it’s so much work, so expensive, so life changing and they’re so helpless when they’re little. Little was I to know, that was the beginning of an increasingly car alarm screech of my biological clock. I’m ready now, really want to have a kid – still apprehensive about the journey but ready. But now I’m waiting for my husband to get on board – he wants kids at some point but not quite yet. That’s a whole other hardship – to wait, to give him the space to let him go through his process, to try and stay sane through my wild emotional mood swings (for me biological clock hormones make me feel like I have PMS but it can hit any and all times of the month – lovely!).

    My friend also really struggled in her son’s baby stage but is much happier and at ease now that he’s in his toddler stage.

  19. Dude. You + me = exactly the same. I’ve given myself until 35 to make a decision. Most of the women in my family were still bustin’ out kids by then so I figure it’s an acceptable decision point. SO … I say – don’t decide! Give yourself 6 more years! yay!

    But, really, I feel you. I see kids and I’m like ‘awww … so cute!’ and stuff. My sister told me the other day that she totally thinks I’m gonna have kids. But Adam says ‘Hell no (probably)’ and I’m like ‘… but even IF I could get over shoving a kid out my vag (which, by the way, I totally can’t), that’s just a big 18+ year commitment and teenagers are so annoying on the subway … ick ick ick.’

    I have no help … just some incredibly belated ‘you’re not alone!’

    • YES TO THIS!!!!: “but even IF I could get over shoving a kid out my vag (which, by the way, I totally can’t), that’s just a big 18+ year commitment”

      thanks for the solidarity! ;)

  20. I don’t have any advice for you, but I want to thank you for making this post because it is exactly, 100% how I feel and it is wonderful to find someone else in the very same boat as me. I’m 30 and engaged and right now we both have no interest in children, but I’ve heard the same “you’ll see”s and “someday you’ll change your mind”s that you have – and I haven’t “seen” or changed my mind! Plus it doesn’t help that all my co-workers ever do is complain about how difficult and expensive their kids are – I told them if they really want me to change my mind, they’d better start telling some GOOD stories instead of nothing but BAD!

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