funk in deep freeze

Mid (Twenties) Life Crisis

22 Apr 2005 1 Comment

by meganfinley in college, me Tags: college graduation

What are you going to do after you graduate? What are you going to do after college? What are you going to do with your life? What are you going to do?...

What am I going to do? I have no idea. But as graduation day is rapidly approaching I am, oddly enough, not thinking so much about what I am going to do as much as I am thinking about what I have done. What have I done? For some reason I keep mulling over many un-accomplishments.

I am twenty-three years old and about to graduate college. I am reminded of the penetratingly discerning and sagacious, Jessica Simpson, who once said “Well, twenty-three is old! It’s almost twenty-five, which is almost mid-twenties!” And, I never thought I’d say this but, I know exactly what she means. As a child I remember thinking about how old people in their twenties were, I mean, they were adults! But at twenty-three, I don’t feel like an adult. I haven’t really done much of anything. So, in that way, I see absolutely no reason for Jessica Simpson to complain. In her “mid-twenties” she’s already famous and has accomplished more than most normal people do in their whole lives. She could die before she turns thirty and she would go down in history books… okay, fine, the “History of Pop Culture” history books, but documented nonetheless. But what about me? I am far from “documented.”

I am twenty-three which is almost twenty-five which is almost mid-twenties and I have nothing to show for myself. I have never even been out of my comfort zone. I was born and raised in Los Angeles, in the same house my parents bought when I was born. At two years old I met the girl who is still my best friend, who lived down the street. We went through the LA school systems together so I never had to worry about being alone. When I finally graduated high school I moved from my parents home to an apartment building in the same neighborhood, which was also owned by my father. And I got into a college that, practically, my whole family attended. The campus of which I had frequented so often that I had it memorized by the age of twelve.

I have done practically nothing with my life. Nothing out of the ordinary per se, never made the papers, never saved a life, and never discovered a cure for anything more life threatening than a hangover. In fact, my biggest accomplishment came and went before I even developed an attention span that lasted longer than a goldfish’s. When I was two months old I was cast as the baby of a newly married couple on the Soap Opera, Knot’s Landing. This was my first and last steady acting gig. I was, reportedly, fantastic. Of course, this report comes from close family and proud grandparents, so I can’t really vouch for the legitimacy of that praise. But anyway, the point is, like my birth, this was one of the only major occurrences of any importance and gravity in my life, and I don’t remember any of it.

Thinking back on my uneventful teenage years, it isn’t really any shock that the next major, impactful event in my life would be something as pathetic as a failed suicide attempt. Of course, I couldn’t even accomplish that! In high school I became severely depressed. I wasn’t very successful in school or in my family relations and I had just lost my first love. I felt my life was really not worth living. I tried to overdose on sleeping pills but ended up being driven to the hospital by my angered and terrified father. Thankfully I survived. Because during that week I spent recovering in the hospital I had what I called my “re-birth.” I had a bit of an epiphany and realized that I actually did want to live. I realized no matter how hard school was, it was better than living on the streets and working in McDonalds, (which was where my parents assured me I’d end up if I didn’t do my homework). I thought about my parents and how I was happy just to be their daughter, and I was glad that I was alive so that I could still be that. I left that hospital happier, healthier and stronger than ever and have only continued to be so from then on.

Aside from my lucky break in the acting business and learning a valuable lesson about life the hard way, the only other large accomplishment I have made was my acceptance into a college. That college from where I am about to graduate.

Getting into USC was a dream of mine since I was a little girl. But a dream was all I figured it was going to be. I barely graduated high school. I failed math, biology, history and even PE… twice! I ended up in a Junior College to make up for the units I missed in high school. While I was there, I thought, maybe USC didn’t have to be just a dream. For the first time in my life I decided to work hard towards a goal. I will never forget the moment I found out I had been accepted. For the first time in my life I had accomplished something, on my own merit, and it felt amazing. Now I just had to see if I could actually graduate this time!

I guess, looking back on it, I have come a long way. As a child I just had opportunities handed to me. I had an easy life. But as I grew older, I realized that I had to work to earn my privileges. I guess that’s why I tried to kill myself at one point, because I didn’t know how to work hard at anything. I guess it’s all right that my biggest accomplishment is about to happen in a month, when I graduate. My acceptance to USC was my first step to becoming an adult. I now see my graduation as my first day as an adult. I have come a long way. As a child, I never thought I would be a USC graduate, it seemed too good for me, it seemed to hard for me, it seemed too far away and unattainable. But here I am at twenty-three, about to receive a bachelors degree from USC. I’m twenty-three, almost twenty-four, which is almost mid twenties and I’m just starting my life. And I couldn’t be more optimistic.